“I didn’t say I was.”
“Then prove it. And go.”
My voice sharpens. “Fine. I’ll go! And I’ll have a great time.”
“Good. I hope you do.”
“I will!”
We hang up the phone. I text Tristan right away, letting him know I’ve changed my mind. He responds a second later, words full of excitement, which makes me feel less guilty. But how can Sam ask me to do this to him? To the both of us? I don’t understand what he wants me to prove. I try not to let this get to me because it will only show Sam he’s right. He doesn’t need to worry about me.
I wish our call hadn’t ended badly, especially tonight. I get a text from Yuki, telling me everyone’s on their way over. It happens to be the night we planned to do something special for Sam. I’m supposed to take us back to the fields to release the lanterns. I think about asking them to postpone it, but they’ve put in so much effort, I can’t let everyone down. I have to collect myself and not let the call bother me. I think about what Sam said earlier. Maybe I am wasting too much time on us. I need to focus on my own life instead.
Jay sits in the front seat with Oliver, and we pick up Mika along the way. This is the first time all of us are together. I am squeezed in the back between Yuki and Rachel. Jay brought some snacks and passes them back to us. I admit, it makes me smile to see everyone jam-packed in the car, eating Pocky sticks. But it doesn’t escape me that one person is missing. Jay is navigating with his phone and finds a different path that will cut our walking distance in half.
The sun has vanished by the time we reach the spot, replaced by a vast ocean of a night sky, freckled with stars. I use my memory of that day with Sam to guide our walk through the woods. I’m surprised I remember everything, especially in the dark. Mika has her arm linked through mine for the entire walk. When I see the tips of the barley jumping across the top of the fields like fish, I make us stop.
“We’re here.”
The others release a collective breath as we stare out at the view in awe.
“How did you know about this place?” Rachel asks.
“Sam brought me here once.” I don’t tell her when this was.
We move farther down the fields until we find the perfect spot. Jay unzips his backpack as everyone helps prepare the lanterns for the ceremony.
“How do these things work again?” Oliver asks as Rachel comes around, handing out paper lanterns.
“The hot air from the candles will help them rise,” Yuki says as she begins lighting tea candles for us. “We just have to let them go.”
I watch as my lantern blooms with warmth and light. It’s like holding a piece of the sun in my hands.
“These things are massive.” Oliver laughs, moving his lantern up and down.
I look around at everyone, and see their faces illuminated by the lantern lights, their smiles, the grass swaying at our shoes, the sky starry and endless, and breathe in the beautiful moment we’re sharing. I never thought I’d be back here in the fields so soon. Especially with all our friends.
I turn to Yuki. “Is there a significance to this? When you release them for someone, that is.”
“It’s to let them move on,” Yuki explains. “When we release the lanterns—we help release them. The lanterns will guide them to where they need to go.”
“But why does Sam need to go?” I ask her. The others look at each other. I realize how strange the question sounds. “I only mean … why do they need to be guided?”
“I think they just need to hear from us that it’s okay. Sometimes it’s hard, even for them,” Yuki says. “They need our blessing.” She turns, holding the lantern toward the sky. “Remember, these are also memory lanterns. If you have a few last things you wish to tell Sam, whisper them now. The lantern will carry the message to him.”
Yuki closes her eyes as if meditating and then whispers into her lantern as the others watch and mirror her. Mika and I share a look the others can’t understand. Then she closes her eyes anyway, and whispers something into hers. So I do it, too, even though I haven’t lost Sam yet. For now, anyway. I think of something I would say to him right now if I had the chance.
I pull my lantern close to me, and whisper, “Don’t go yet, Sam. Just stay with me a little bit longer.”
Yuki is the first to let hers go. “To Sam,” she says, and the lantern lifts itself from her hands and rises into the air. The others follow, releasing their lanterns one by one, each saying “To Sam,” until it’s only me left.