I look at her, my head slightly titled, wondering what she means. For a second, I almost ask if she knows about the calls, but I don’t. “I know I have to say good-bye soon,” I say. “But I don’t think I can let him go.”
My mother nods silently. Before we leave the car, she wipes a tear from my eye, and whispers, “Then you shouldn’t. You should keep him with you. Help him live on somehow.”
* * *
My mother’s words stay with me for the rest of the week. I try not to stress too much about things that haven’t happened yet, and try to enjoy my final days as a senior. Oliver brings me and Jay to a party near the lake on Saturday, and the three of us go hiking the next morning. Mika got accepted after being waitlisted at Emory University, and will be moving to Atlanta at the end of the summer. Even though I’m so thrilled for her, I hate that we’ll be so far away from one another. But she says she’ll come back for Thanksgiving and Christmas break, and I promise to visit her once I save up some money. At least Oliver will be studying at Central with me. We went through the course catalog the other day, looking for classes to take together. Maybe it won’t be so bad there. Especially if I get into the screenwriting class. I email Professor Guilford, and he tells me to show up the first day, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. And my mother’s right. I can still transfer after two years if my grades are good enough. I could even apply to Reed College again. I have to stay cautiously optimistic.
* * *
* * *
It is the night of graduation. Blue and white balloons float along the chain-link fence of our football field as families file into the bleachers of the stadium. My mom and dad are sitting together somewhere in the middle of the crowd with Tristan and Mr. Lee. The band is in full uniform, playing a mess of unrecognizable songs so loud it’s hard to hear anything else. After they finish with what I believe is the national anthem, the ceremony begins with a performance from our choir, featuring a beautiful solo from Yuki. I stand up on my chair and cheer her name at the end. A few speeches are made, the music changes, and it’s time to for us to walk. Oliver was supposed to walk with Sam, so the school lets him stand in between me and Mika as we march, arms linked, toward the stage. Beneath each of our gowns is something that belongs to Sam, in memory of him. Oliver is wearing the plaid shirt, Mika one of his sweaters, and me his Radiohead T-shirt. Maybe it’s all in my head, but it feels like the crowd cheers the loudest for us.
I only have a few minutes to change into my new dress before a million pictures are taken in front of the stage. Tristan gifts me a bouquet of yellow roses. My mother makes me take group photos with everyone around us, including David from history class, who I’ve never said more than five words to. Yuki introduces me to her parents, and they invite me, Rachel, and Jay to their home in Japan next summer. “A reunion!” Rachel cries, her face beaming. When the music dies, and the sun starts to set, I check the time. I need to go soon. Once the crowds dissipate a little, I go find the others to say good-bye.
The last call I have with Sam is tonight. I need to hurry home, get to my room, and be ready to say good-bye. I know he’ll ask me all about today. I only wish he was here to celebrate it with us instead …
“What about the graduation party?” Oliver asks me. “You can’t miss that—it’s gonna be lit.”
“I have something I need to do,” I say.
“Are you sure?” Mika asks. I give her this look and she nods knowingly. “Maybe you can meet us after. Just text me, okay?”
“I will,” I say, and hug them both.
With my phone clutched in my hand, I turn to go but—someone tall from the football team bumps into me. The impact is so hard, my phone is knocked out of my hands and hits the concrete, shattering the screen. I don’t even hear their mumbled apology. The world becomes a tunnel …
A chill runs through my body. I’m too terrified to move a muscle. My heart pounds as I reach down for my phone. But it won’t turn on. No matter what I try, it won’t turn on. The screen is black and shattered, and I don’t know what to do. I just stand there completely frozen, trying to process the full weight of what I’ve done.
Mika must have noticed something was wrong because she appears at my side.
“What is it?” she asks.
“My phone—I broke it—Mika, I broke it!” I keep repeating as she’s trying to calm me down, telling me it’s okay, when it isn’t. The buttons aren’t working. The screen remains black.