She nods, her gray eyes serious. “I’m sorry.”
“That said”—she sighs—“I’ll let them know I’m not moving. I thought it might be fun for us, and that we could explore Europe, and you’d learn a lot of new stuff, but I didn’t let you have any say in the matter.”
The grandmother balance is knowing when to speak and when to be quiet. “Stephanie, you’re the mother. You have been glowing since you arrived in London.” I look at Jasmine, small and thin beside her mother.
She looks troubled. “Nana!”
Stephanie picks up Jasmine’s hand. “We can talk it through, how about that? See if we can come to a compromise. I have been really happy there, and I think you would be, too. Can we at least try it for a little while?”
Jasmine falls into her mother’s chest. “I want you happy.”
“Let’s see what we can figure out, okay?” Steph strokes her daughter’s head, kisses her forehead. Such love. It pierces me.
I will miss them both so much.
Stephanie looks ready to fall over. “Why don’t you both go take a nap?” I suggest. “I have some things I need to do.”
“Can I sleep with you, Mommy?”
“Oh, yes, please,” Steph says, and they head upstairs.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Suze
Joel has already left for work when I awaken. We both fell into bed and into sleep upon our return, exhausted by the day. I couldn’t bear to deal with one more thing, and he seemed to sense that, pulling me into his body, a bulwark against the world.
I left Maui with Jasmine, so it’s only me and Yul Brynner padding into the kitchen. Thick fog lies on the ocean, obscuring the Starfish Sisters and my view of Phoebe’s studio. It’s cozy somehow.
A rock of sadness sits in the middle of my chest. Is our friendship no longer sustainable? Have so many things gone wrong between us that there’s no way to move forward?
Friendships end. I know that. But she’s not really just my friend. She’s my sister, the only person in my life who’s been with me through everything, ups and downs.
But how can I encompass this betrayal? She hid Joel’s letter from me. Because of that single action, Joel and I never had a single moment of agency over our fate or the fate of our daughter.
And all this time, I had convinced myself that she didn’t know that Joel and I had fallen in love. If she didn’t know, why hide the letter?
I rub the spot between my eyes. What a tangled, idiotic mess!
As if my thoughts have called her, she knocks in our special way, three short, one more. With some trepidation, I head for the door and open it.
She’s bundled up in a thick pink sweater. The color makes the most of her dark hair. “I need to talk to you about something,” she says. “Can I come in?”
I stand back, wave her in. I am feeling so angry and uncertain that I don’t want to encourage anything normal. Not this time.
“It won’t take that long.” She has something in her hands, an envelope, and a howl of warning sounds in my heart. She pulls it between her fingers, once, then again. “This is the letter Joel left for you, before he went to juvie.”
The sight of his teenage handwriting on the envelope sears me. “I can’t believe you kept it. All this time.”
“I honestly didn’t realize that you—that he . . . the baby.” She shakes her head.
“You know, Phoebe, all these years I kept that secret—even if it was stupid—because I wanted to protect you. And all this time, you did the opposite. Your secret was selfish. You also knew more than you’re admitting.”
“I know,” she says. “There’s nothing I can say to make this right.” She swallows. “I am so sorry. Sorry that you had to go through all those losses alone, that I was such a fucking jealous idiot—” She slaps a tear off her face. “I didn’t open it.”
I touch my name written in blue ink. Can I bear to read what’s in here?
Can I bear not to? I slip my finger under the flap and pull out the yellow notebook paper inside.
Dear Suze,
I am so sorry for all the pain you are going through. Please remember that there is somebody in this world that loves you no matter what. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, but I wanted you to have my dad’s address. He said he wouldn’t throw anything away from you. Considering all the pain I’ve caused you, you probably never want to see me again, and I understand that, but just in case, this is it: