That the baby I was forced to give up for adoption was his.
My heart skitters away from that hard truth. Instead, I twist a lock of hair around my finger and think about my career, which is in total crisis mode. It was all I ever wanted, and now I don’t know how I feel about it. I’m not sure if it was the attack, or the pandemic showing me what life could be like if I didn’t work all the time, or the grief of Dmitri’s and Beryl’s deaths. Maybe all the above.
I just find myself longing for something else. Not more. Less.
From the time I was asked to come to LA for a screen test for A Woman for the Ages to the premiere of the film was barely under a year. My life changed so much that I felt like the frog in Neil Diamond’s song “I Am . . . I Said,” a frog with dreams of royalty who became a king.
Beryl loaned me the money for the coast-to-coast flight. The director, Jonathan Best, who was the man who saw me in the waiting room off Broadway, arranged for me to have a hotel room, something I didn’t realize was unusual until much later.
Everyone gossiped that he wanted to seduce me, but it was never like that. In some ways, he actually reminded me of Phoebe’s dad—excited about my talent, protective of my naivete, encouraging, and never, ever inappropriate. I was lucky.
After the screen test, he let a day go by and then called me to say they were going to offer me the part, but he wanted me to have an agent, and he’d taken the liberty of phoning three of them on my behalf. His advice was to go with a woman, which I did. Edwina was young then, too, barely twenty-five, but she was connected to one of the best agencies in the business, and she showed herself to have barracuda instincts when it came to negotiating terms. Thanks to Edwina, I escaped some of the traps that befall young actors, and started making real money with that first movie.
Everything about my life took on a Cinderella glitter. The work was extremely difficult, and I was in nearly every frame of the film. My inexperience showed, which caused delays and trouble on set, but mostly everyone was patient with me, and I had great chemistry with my costar, Jason Tremaine, who’d been a child star and knew a lot about that world.
We filmed for five months, on location in a Proven?al town, another staggering delight to me, who’d never traveled anywhere. It thrilled me to be on an airplane, to hear people speaking another language, to eat new and unusual food. I was game for everything, anything, and drank it all in so that if it all dried up the next year, I’d at least have had this experience. I sent Phoebe letters, trying to write in ways that would give her the experience.
Dear Phoebe,
The days are long on set. We have to be in place at 5 am, which means I get up at 3 in order to have time to eat and get to the set. Whoever is in charge sends croissants and coffee and fruit to my room, and someone else calls, always twice, to make sure I’m actually up and moving. They do my hair and face when I get to the chateau so all I really have to do is take a shower and pour myself in the car that takes a crowd of us to the set. Jason and Annalise are almost always in the car with me, since we’re in so many scenes together, and we don’t talk very much. Honestly, Annalise seems hungover most of the time, and she has cold compresses over her eyes. （Just between us, obviously.）
We work on scenes at the chateau and in the local village we’ve taken over. It’s so beautiful, Pheebs, seriously. It’s exactly like the book, the little alleyways and the old gray stone, and the smell of bread baking and horses clattering on the cobblestone streets. It’s magical.
And honestly, even though I am dead tired every night when we get back to the hotel, I am so happy. This is the happiest I have ever been in my life. I love acting, love inhabiting this character, imagining myself in the time. Most days, I start working without a solid sense of connection and then there’s a click, almost audible, and I’m not me anymore. I’m not pretending to be Sarah, I am her. It’s like reading in a way, except with more props. I know you get what I mean.
The only thing that would make it better is if you were here. Xoxoxoxox
Suze
She wrote me back with just as much energy, telling me about art school and the projects she was trying to birth, and Derek.
Right at the start, Edwina said, “It might be difficult, but try not to get involved with anyone while you make this picture. It will distract you.” And I saw how true it could be in Phoebe’s focus on Derek. I got it, totally. He had that lost bad-boy vibe and a way of walking that made you think he’d know what he was doing in bed, and they shared the art thing, a passion and love of it that bonded them.