Libby: I’m not ready to come back to Chicago or see Mom, but I want you to meet her soon.
Libby: Let me do it my way, though, okay? I do better when I can control things.
Wes: She’s beautiful, and I can’t wait to see you both. Whenever you’re ready, just say the word and I’ll be on a plane. I won’t push—I promise, but if you need help, you’ll ask, right?
She didn’t respond, so I let that question hang and added, I love you, Lib.
Libby: I’ll talk to you soon. I love you, too.
Standing in the parking lot, holding my phone like it was a piece of fragile crystal, there was only one person I wanted next to me. Britta had held me so tightly at the hospital when she knew I needed it. I needed her.
The phone buzzed in my hand, a preview of a message from Cord scrolling over the top of Libby’s photo.
Cord: You should see this.
I clicked on the link to a social media page, Britta’s Best Life profile. Her profile photo made my chest feel buoyant. She was smiling, her hair resting on her shoulders and her soft brown eyes open wide as she made a funny face. She’d added a long post the night before, and I clicked to expand it. I read each word, feeling like she was saying it into my ear. I wiped the back of my hand across my face and stared at my phone.
Cord: Meet me at the bar?
Wes: Yes.
I needed a plan.
59
BESTLIFEMAGAZINE
LIKED BY ETHELGIRLZ AND 962K OTHERS
Hi, everyone. It’s Britta, and there are a few things I felt I needed to say.
Some of you suspect I had ulterior motives, or believe I was trying to trick you. I wasn’t, but I am sorry that I misled you. I started this journey for my job. I didn’t really care about getting active, being fit, or anything else. It was a job. Sure, I wanted to look and feel good naked, but along the way, I stopped worrying about that and started caring about being strong. I uncovered new goals and I fell in love . . . with myself. Body FTW started out to review two apps, but it’s been about the journey and the stumbles, mine and fellow Best Life staffer Claire’s. I stumbled big. I lied, I had an unprofessional relationship with my coach, I lost the chance to keep writing for Best Life, I disappointed my readers, and I hurt someone I really cared about. In all of that, I learned four key things:
All those years I didn’t move forward? The only thing standing in my way was me. Once I took a chance on myself, there was nothing stopping me. Looking back, there were things I didn’t do, didn’t wear, didn’t try, and it wasn’t my body holding me back, it was my fear.
My biceps are amazing. I always knew they were there, but now I can’t stop flexing them, and they might be my favorite parts of my body. Sorry, boobs. You’re bigger, but these, these I worked for. I wanted to look good naked, but now I feel good naked . . . and it has nothing to do with a guy and everything to do with me and my sexy flexed biceps. Side note: I look great naked, and it turns out I actually always did!
I’m still fat and still happy with me. For a lot of years, I believed it was wrong to be happy with this body. I settled for so much less than I deserved. No more, though. I love this body, and I won’t ever be with anyone who doesn’t love it as well.
I learned those three things because someone believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself. Someone who pushed me to go one more mile, who picked me up off the floor, and who didn’t let me get away with doubting myself or how strong I was. That person was my coach. I’m sorry I lied—I regret it more than you can know—but I’m not sorry I found him. Without him, I wouldn’t have discovered how strong I am, how much I love my biceps, and what kind of relationship I deserve. That leads me to #4.
I can do it. I will show up for the 10K, lace my shoes, stretch, and I will run that race. It’s no longer part of my job, and I don’t have my running partner anymore, but I worked for the opportunity to cross the finish line. When I do, it will be for me—not my coach, not my job, not the sponsors. But it will be for you, too—those of you who are reading this and think you can’t do it. Whatever your 10K is, I’ll cross the finish line knowing you can, too.
So, wish me luck, or better yet, wish me strength.
#TeamBritta #sorrynotsorry #curvygirlrunning
* * *
I SET MY umbrella against my cubicle wall on the way to the all-staff meeting my first day back. I walked in, head down, and took a seat near the door, prepared for this to be one of the lesser circles of hell despite the beautiful September weather outside.
A few minutes before nine, Claire slipped in. The backstabbing snake. Our eyes met before she cut her gaze from me and took a seat on the other side of the room. If I were a better person, I would have let go of the anger and let it fall away from me, but I wasn’t that good a person, so I sat in my seat and stewed.