Tightening my hold, I wished I had the leverage to pull him into a real hug. I wasn’t even sure he knew I was touching him. “You were trying to live your life.”
He laced his long fingers together behind his neck, dipping his chin to his chest, the muscles across his shoulders straining as stress radiated off him. “When I came home, it was too late. She and Mom were fighting worse than they ever had. She wasn’t eating or taking care of herself. Something snapped and she ran away. The first time I heard from her, she was in Florida, then she bounced around Texas. The last time she gave me a location, it was Phoenix, but that was over a year ago.” His voice, quiet in the dim room, edged toward cracking, and I pressed my face into his back.
“It’s not your fault she left.”
His words kept coming, like water pouring from a faucet. I didn’t know if I should try to shut off the valve or catch the deluge.
“I tried to get Libby to stay with me, to get away from that house and the drugs and the guys Mom brought home, so I could help, and she shut me out. The last thing she ever said was leave me alone. And I did. I left her alone to deal with it, and I went back to school because I wanted to—because I wanted to put myself first for once. I figured I’d let her cool off and try again—that maybe one time I wouldn’t step in, but let the two of them work it out, but then she was gone.”
My tears left wet spots on the back of his shirt. With the low, hopeless tone in his voice, I had no idea what to say, so I just kept holding on to him.
The ambient hospital sounds outside the closed door provided a muffled backdrop to our conversation, reminding me things existed outside of the room. “What can I do, Wes?”
He pressed my hands harder against him, the beat of his heart consistent under my palm. I wondered in that moment if that was his way of telling me he’d let me be the one to hold him.
“I shouldn’t have brought you here.” His voice was rough. “And I shouldn’t have kissed you. I’m your coach, and that’s all I should be. I don’t . . .” He paused, but I heard his slow intake of breath. “This morning shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.”
Shaking my head against his back, I racked my brain for what to say to change his mind. I tried to gather up the shards of memory that fell around the word “mistake.” I didn’t have the chance, as the doctor returned to the room. “Mr. Lawson?”
He gripped my hands for another moment, then let them go, pulling away before turning to the doctor, leaving me facing the open window, the gray sky beyond it.
40
I CANCELED THE morning run with Britta for the third time that week. I’d put off preparing for a big meeting and stayed at work late the night before, but needing to catch up on work wasn’t the only reason behind the decision. I didn’t know how to face her—not after that kiss, and not after that embarrassing breakdown at the hospital.
I couldn’t forget the combination of Britta’s lips, her supple body pressed to mine, and that little sound of surprise she made when we connected on the bed. All of it had been playing on a loop that left me uneasy and feeling guilty, because I’d never wanted to be that guy who took advantage. I’d spent my whole life trying not to be that guy, and being with her made me feel so good, I hadn’t cared that hooking up with her coach might derail her plans. I’d been ready to risk that because of what I wanted. Being around my mom and her talking about Libby just hammered that home.
I’d texted Libby to let her know Mom was in the hospital, and I couldn’t believe it when the dots bounced indicating a response, and I’d held my breath.
Libby: Is she going to make it?
Wes: Yeah. For now. I can’t believe you answered. Are you okay? Where are you? Do you need me to send money? Can I see you?
She hadn’t written back. I’d spent the last few days in a weird place of complete relief she was alive and loss at her not saying anything else after I came on too strong. I shoved the phone back in my pocket.
When I stepped off the elevator, I spotted Cord perched on Pearl’s desk, both of them laughing. The sound grated on me, and I shifted my jaw back and forth.
Pearl straightened and smiled, but I didn’t meet her gaze and just focused on the door ahead of me. “Good morning, Wes. I came in early and arranged for your—”
Pearl was so much better than this job. She was better suited to be in charge than me, that was for damn sure, and suddenly, I knew seeing her would just be something else to feel guilty about. “Thanks,” I said in a rushed tone without looking up. I closed the door to my office behind me, but I was alone for only a moment.