With each word, and each moment of precious quiet he gave me to process, I felt the effect of the wine drain slowly from my body.
"I remember when she showed up," he said.
"I'll bet," I said wryly. "You know it's really her fault that I climbed through your window."
His eyes sharpened. "Is it?"
I wondered how long we'd tiptoe around this, and now seemed like as good a time as any.
"Of course, she didn't know how literally I'd take her advice, but at that time, I had such a desperate craving for a person like her in my life. To hear her tell me to take the bull by the horns and go for what I wanted—someone I viewed as smart and strong and feisty and successful and beautiful and just … everything I wanted to be as a sixteen-year-old. Her words were as good as gospel, you know?"
He took in a slow breath and let it out before he walked toward me and took a seat on the coffee table that faced the couch. Somehow, he didn't doubt it could hold his weight, but it did, and he spread his legs so that his hands dangled between them.
"I always wondered what prompted it." His eyes never wavered from mine.
I grinned. "Besides a raging crush on the boy next door?"
He exhaled a laugh. "That part was clear enough," he forced out. I had to close my eyes at the sound of his voice, rough and raw and low.
If I reached back far, so very far, into my memories, I could still remember what it felt like to kiss him. I'd kissed dozens of boys, even slept with a couple who I thought would be something to me, but the memory of Noah Griffin's lips still haunted me the most.
Slick tongue. Strong hands. Muttered curses as I climbed onto his lap.
My eyes popped open because those thoughts wouldn't bring me anywhere of value.
"What prompted it." I sighed. "That would have to be maternal influence in a nontraditional family structure."
His laughter came instantly, loud and surprising, a sharp burst of sound that had me sitting up straighter. There it was. His elusive smile. Perfect, straight white teeth and lips stretched wide across his face. The lines bracketing his mouth made it look like he smiled often, instead of the reality, which was that it was rare and fast and made you feel fortunate to see one.
"So that's why you left? Talking about Paige's role?"
"No," I said immediately. "No, it was the discussion of how our own mother influenced our family structure by her leaving."
His smile faded. "How old were you when she left?"
"Just turned fourteen. We were so young, you know? And having three younger siblings to look after, plus an older brother who was just getting his footing in his own way, it was almost like … I couldn't dwell on how much it hurt me that she left because I had so many other things to worry about. I had my sisters to worry about, and they were so much more important than Brooke."
His eyebrows popped briefly. "I never really … I never thought about why you guys lived with Logan. Where your parents were."
"Most people didn't know. He did such a good job of protecting us. And because he did, we could just be kids. Teenagers who got into trouble and played pranks and were allowed to make normal mistakes because we had him."
"Sounds like you protected your sisters, though, too," he said. The look he was giving me, searching and intense, reminded me of the night on the couch when he was watching film. Like I was something worth studying, like picking me apart would help him understand.
That knowledge was like someone pressed their foot on the gas pedal, but I was stuck in neutral until I could explain something to him in the right way.
"I think what I used to do then, and still do now," I said, leaning forward, my knees almost touching his, "is try to take responsibility for how they feel. And that wasn't my job. I didn't want to impose my will, you know? It wasn't like I wanted them to feel what I felt. I wanted to make sure that everything stayed okay, even if it was to my detriment."
"Even if it hurt you," he said slowly.
"Maybe. I don't know. I wasn't the teenager who threw tantrums for attention, but if I went too long trying to keep the peace among my sisters, I'd just … burst. Do something stupid."
His eyes drifted to my mouth. "I can't imagine what you mean."
"Liar."
His grin flashed bright again, and it made my skin tighten deliciously.
"I still do it, and that's a big part of what's made me good at my job, yes, but… some of it isn't smart for me," I admitted, tucking a stray piece of hair behind my ear. "I was doing it with you."