But as difficult as it might be, I had to put it out of my head. At least for the day.
The green hills and black tree-covered mountains rose everywhere, a totally different kind of landscape from Seattle, but to me, it was just as beautiful. And I hadn't been here in years.
Large log cabins set back from the road on generous plots of land gave me something to focus on as the view blurred from the speed of our car. The driver's GPS told him when to turn, which was good, because enough had changed in the three years since I'd visited that I would have missed the turn had I been driving.
I tilted my head when I saw the green metal roof come into view. She was at the base of the foothills, so the gentle curls of smoke coming out of the chimney had a lush green backdrop as the mountains pushed their edges into the skyline.
Molly said something under her breath to Marty, and he laughed, cutting into the thoughtful silence I'd immersed myself in.
"How long has your grandma lived out here?" Rick asked.
My eyes closed briefly because I knew I'd need to shift my headspace. This wasn't just a grandson paying a long overdue visit to his grandma. This was intentional, to show a side of me that no one believed existed. Thinking about the public intruding on this moment, when I already felt guilty enough about not coming to see her more, I had to keep reminding myself why this was a good idea. Why I'd agreed.
"Her whole life," I answered. "But this house specifically, for the last four years."
"When you started in the league." His statement left no room for subtlety.
I glanced back at him. "If you're going to ask something, Rick, just ask it."
He grinned.
Molly's eyes were covered in blue-mirrored sunglasses, and I wanted to rip them off her face because I couldn't tell what she was thinking or if she was even listening in the first place. Instantly, I flipped my attention back to Rick as we approached my grandma's because I shouldn't even be worried about whether she was paying attention.
"It's a beautiful place," he mused when the driveway appeared, as did the sprawling cabin with a massive wraparound porch. Two black and white horses grazed in the fenced-in area north of the house. Who knew where the goats were, probably in the barn that was partially obscured by the house. "Big, just for one woman."
"She didn't want to feel cramped," I said, the edges of a smile starting on my mouth as the car pulled over the gravel driveway. The porch was covered with all shapes and sizes of potted flowers and plants. Along the east edge of the roof, a line of wind chimes swayed in the breeze.
The driver parked the car, and as I unfolded out of my seat, I heard the screen door bang shut.
"That you, half-pint?" she called.
Every head swiveled in my direction.
"I'm so glad I got that on camera," Marty whispered, and Molly dissolved into giggles.
When I cleared the front of the car, my grandma stood like a sentinel at the top step of the deck. Her curly gray hair was shoved down around her face by a straw gardening hat, and the frayed red ribbon told me it was the same one she'd always had. At the sight of me, her face broke open into a huge smile. I felt that smile clear down to my toes, in a way I probably should have been embarrassed to admit.
I met her halfway when she started down the steps, and her delighted laughter when I wrapped her in a bear hug and lifted her tiny frame off the ground made me feel like the Grinch on Christmas Day.
Two, three, four uneven chugs of my heart, and it quadrupled in size.
"Goodness, you're big," she said, tightening her arms around my neck. "Now put me down. I'll break a hip if you drop me from this height."
Chuckling, I set her down, making sure her feet were firmly planted before I stepped back from the inevitable grandmotherly inspection. Her eyes narrowed thoughtfully.
"They're certainly feeding you enough, aren't they?"
"Yes, ma'am."
She nodded, and her eyes were suspiciously bright as she gently patted my chest. "Good, good. Now, who are your friends?"
Rick and Marty shook her hand, and when Molly appeared from behind the car with her small silver suitcase, I saw my grandmother study her from head to toe. Her gaze never darted back to me, but it might as well have.
It shouldn't have felt so important to introduce Molly to this woman, the one who meant the most to me in the world, but it did.
"I'm a hugger," Molly said with a wide smile, "if that's okay with you."
My grandma laughed and opened her arms. "So am I, sweetheart."
As they embraced, I felt my newly enlarged heart do something strange, and without realizing what I was doing, my hand rubbed at my chest where it was drumming a little faster than necessary.