My throat was dry when we were finally caught up, but so were my eyes because there was some strange power in the telling of what led to my current predicament. I wasn't angry with Beatrice. I was frustrated with myself. I wasn't mad at Noah for being clueless because the man's longest relationship was with an inanimate object covered in brown leather with white laces and that was just sad AF, in all honesty. I asked for space, and he’d given it to me. It wasn’t fair to hold it against him when all he’d done was respect my wishes.
I felt heavy from all those things combined. Weighed down with the various components of what lost me my job but had me falling in love with a man who had the emotional availability of a rock.
"Damn, girl," Paige said when I finished. She was slumped against the cushions of the couch.
"I know." I held my breath as I watched her process everything. Trust me, I knew it was a lot. I'd had weeks, and I still found myself a little confused. "Was I stupid for pulling back?"
"Oh geez, Mol, it's not that simple." She blew out a quick puff of air. "I don't think you were stupid, no. But I happen to think you and your sisters are four of the six greatest human beings to walk this earth, so I'm prone to believe whatever you decide is correct and will thereby defend it to the death."
"Yeah, right." I snorted. "Where was that logic when we were in high school?"
She smiled. "I know, I know. Easier for me to say now that it's not my responsibility to decide how to weigh the consequences of your actions. Now, my child, that burden is yours. Yours to live with, and yours to work through."
"I'm so glad I came to you because this is making me feel much better."
Paige laughed. "Listen, what I will say is this, being in a relationship with an athlete is no piece of cake. But I don't need to tell you that because it's been a part of your life longer than it's been a part of mine. I get it, he's driven, and he's talented, and he's at the top of his game. He's never put anything ahead of football and that makes him a scary bet. That wasn't the case for me and your brother." She smiled. "He had you guys, and nothing, not even football, was more important than the four of you."
"I sense a but …"
"But," she said slowly, "it's not up to you to make that decision for him when he had an incomplete picture, Molly. And that's what you did. He respected you enough not to push you on it, and that was before he had any clue that you could lose your job for what you did. What would he have done if he'd known you were falling for him? What would have happened if you talked to Beatrice and told her it was a serious relationship? There's no way of knowing, not now. Maybe he would've panicked, but maybe not. Maybe Beatrice would've fired you earlier, but maybe not." She shrugged.
It was like trying to untangle of knot of multi-colored yarn in my lap, one the size of my head. I couldn't tell where it started, where it ended, or just how long I'd been looping and looping and looping in the wrong direction. It was hard to say whether the first wrong turn had been as far back as the elevator when I saw Noah for the first time. Or thinking I could be friends with him, kiss him, sleep with him without involving my heart. That I could prove something to Beatrice that she'd never fully believe in the first place.
All those things equaled one massive coiled, complicated mess.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" she asked. "Just … blurt it out. First thing you wish you could understand."
"Noah in the parking lot." I blinked at how quickly the words came out. "I was surprised at how awkward he was. His confusion that the awkwardness was there between us at all."
Emmett came around the corner, and Paige held up her hand. "Ten more minutes, kid. Back away."
"But—"
"Ten minutes, unless you want my help with the math instead of Molly's."
He disappeared in a flash of mahogany-colored hair, and I laughed.
"Honestly," Paige said, "that's a piece of cake. Men are incredibly clueless sometimes. And if you take a man like that, who lives by the x's and o's of a playbook, who is in complete control of just about every piece of his life except his opponent, they get really good at reading the competition. You took that away from him by removing yourself from the equation. Not only that, but you are also a woman, and from the sounds of it, Noah has had little-to-no experience with that area for the past few years. His choice, but still. You rocked his world, Molly." She grinned, and I hid my face behind the pillow with a groan. "And then you disappeared. The fact that he's still puzzling out how he feels about that means he's got it just as bad as you do."