“Figure out what’s between us? We already figured that out. Long ago. And it isn’t good for anyone.”
“Like I said, things change, Noelle. It’s been seven years since we decided that. We’re reinvestigating the crime we were victims of because new information came to light. Don’t you think it might be worth reinvestigating us too?”
“No,” she said, standing, the chair tipping backward and falling to the floor. “Stop it. What is this?” He stood, too, and she turned away. He came up behind her, and she halted as though his body were a magnet keeping her from pulling away. He put his hands on her upper arms and gently turned her to face him. “There’s even more reason now than there was then not to revisit us, Evan,” she said. She couldn’t stand it. Even talking about it hurt and made her remember exactly what it had felt like in the months after she’d left the hotel room that day, even before she’d found out she was pregnant. In a way, her pregnancy had helped mitigate the terrible grief of their separation because though she knew it was in both their best interests not to be together, she had a small part of him with her. Always. And it was enough. More than that.
Her daughter was the very air she breathed. She was the living embodiment of what could never be but was. The most beautiful paradox. Callie. She turned her face, lowering her chin. “It’s good that you’re seeing someone else, Evan. She should be your priority, not me.”
“I’m not seeing her.” He swore, stepping away. She felt relieved. And bereft.
“Sleeping with her, whatever. It’s good. It’s healthy. You don’t have to explain anything to me.”
She met his gaze and saw the anger there, the frustration. God, where had this come from? And why had it flared like this? It must mean that he had kept it tamped down and Aria showing up like that had set it off. “And you, Noelle? What about you? Are you having healthy sex with someone? A few someones, maybe?” His eyes flashed. She saw the anger, but she also saw the hurt. “Did it help?” he asked, taking a step toward her again. They were close once more, and still she couldn’t move away. You can, Noelle. You don’t want to. Evan’s right. You used to be more honest. “That day in the hotel room? I’ve wondered. I’ve wondered a lot, actually. Did it help you loosen up? Were you able to enjoy yourself with other men because of me?”
“Stop it,” she said, and even she heard the tears that threatened in the sogginess of her voice.
“Why? You get to use me and not let me know if it was worth it?”
His words were sharp. They made her bleed inside. “God, Evan. It wasn’t like that. You know it wasn’t. Don’t make it ugly.” What they’d experienced together that day . . . it had hurt, and it had helped. And she held it in her heart as one of the most beautiful days she’d ever lived.
He let out a harsh breath, fisting his hair in his hands and stepping away. He turned, his shoulders curling forward, and she heard him swear under his breath. For a moment they both stood there, Noelle frozen as she watched his back rise and fall. After a minute, he turned toward her, his eyes speaking regret before his mouth did. “I’m sorry. God, what are we doing?”
“Did you really feel used?” she asked. Because she had to know. He’d been victimized, too, and if he’d walked away that day feeling worse rather than better, she was going to have a hard time forgiving herself.
“No,” he said. “No, I didn’t feel used. I’m sorry I said that. I spoke out of anger.” He looked away for a moment, his forehead smoothing out as he took in a big inhale of air. “I felt sad,” he said. “And I second-guessed myself. I felt . . . God, so conflicted. I felt almost relieved, and I also wondered if I should have fought harder. For us.”
She understood that. Her feelings had been so terribly conflicted too. They still were. She supposed they always would be. Which was the point she’d been making, and now he was making it too. “We’ll always be confusing together,” she said. “Our emotions will always be volatile. And we’ll flare on a dime. It took less than a week to reaffirm that fact.”
His gaze moved slowly over her features, searching for what, she didn’t know. He looked away, frowning. It didn’t seem he’d found whatever he was looking for.
He closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose for a moment. “Listen, we figured out once how to set things aside to best work together. I know we can do it again. I hope you’ll stay.”