“You were a lousy husband and father, that’s not my fault.”
“No, it’s not,” he admitted, “but I can’t rewrite history. I can only try to do better now. But you never let that happen. You’d rather beat me up for the past. I didn’t beat you, for God’s sake, or abandon anyone. I was out making a living, to give you all a good life. And you’re going to punish me forever. We don’t even talk to each other anymore.”
“I have nothing to say to you,” she said coldly.
“Then why are we still married? What are we doing here? If we live another forty years, is this what we have to look forward to?”
“What do you expect after twenty years of marriage? Hearts and flowers? That all died years ago because you were never around.” Oddly enough, he had been faithful to her, not that she cared.
“I think our marriage died when I wasn’t around,” he said in a tight voice. He’d had enough. “And maybe I do expect hearts and flowers, or a conversation or a smile when I come home. We live like strangers, Maureen. Or enemies, which is worse. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to. What are you trying to prove? How much you hate me? How bad I was, how indifferent we can be to each other? You’re never going to forgive me, are you?” She thought about it and shook her head.
“No, I’m not,” she said.
“Maureen, then I’m done,” he said in a choked voice, but he was aware of a sense of relief when he thought about it. She was never going to let him out of jail. He could see that now. He had to free himself. He had nothing better to go to, and no plan, but there had to be a better life than this. He had wanted to build what his parents had, and he and Maureen had failed abysmally.
“What are you going to tell the kids?” She didn’t argue with him about it or beg him to stay.
“I’m going to say that it’s very sad, but our marriage died somewhere along the way, and we love them, but we can’t live together anymore. They’re old enough to understand, and they’ve seen it themselves.”
“Ending it is your idea,” she said accusingly. It was another thing to blame him for.
He nodded. “It is. It’ll be healthier this way, for both of us. I don’t want to be your whipping boy anymore. We both deserve a better life than this.” He felt less sad about it than he thought he would. He felt like he was getting out of prison.
“Do you want a divorce?”
“Maybe. I don’t know.” It had all just suddenly become too much. “I’ll look for an apartment and move as soon as I can.” She didn’t try to stop him, and he suspected that she was relieved too. Maybe this was what she’d wanted all along. “You can have whatever you want,” he said, and stood up and looked at her. “I loved you, Maureen, I really did, even if I wasn’t around all the time. I thought I was doing something good for all of you. And you’re still my family. I just don’t want to be punished for the rest of my life.” She nodded and stood up too.
She didn’t respond to what he’d said or tell him she loved him. She didn’t, and hadn’t in a long time. He knew it too. “When should we tell the kids?” was all she asked.
“I don’t know. I didn’t plan this. It just happened while we were talking. Maybe we should have done this a long time ago.” But at least they had stayed together long enough for the kids to grow up and leave home. “I don’t think we should tell Zack till he comes home. He might be upset. Do you want to tell Jenny?”
“No, you can.” Maureen didn’t get along with her daughter either. She was hard on her, and soft on their son, which never seemed right to Mike. Jenny knew it too.
Mike looked at apartment rentals online in the guest room that night, and wrote down some numbers to call. He felt like he was in shock. Their whole marriage had unraveled in a single evening. But it was so bloodless and dead, and Maureen was so cold and without emotion or regret that it told him how far they had fallen.
He lay awake in his bed for a long time that night, trying to recall the beginning, when they loved each other, and he couldn’t even remember it anymore. Even the memory of it was gone.
He called the phone numbers he had written down from his office in the morning. He had three apartments to see that afternoon. He wanted something furnished for now. He was going to leave the apartment intact for Maureen. All he wanted was some of the art, and his clothes. But he didn’t want to disrupt their family home for the kids.