“I have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.”
“She died knowing you loved her.”
“She deserved more.”
“Most people do,” I agree solemnly. “Most people aren’t villains like I am. But the world isn’t fair.”
Her eyebrows pull together. “You think of yourself as a villain?”
I look at her in disbelief. “Don’t you?”
She looks down at my hand on her knee. It’s too late to remove it now, so I let it stay. “You like to pretend you are. But you’re not, Uri. You won’t make me believe that, no matter how hard you try.”
I can feel that little ripple of discomfort start to solidify. The same one that screams, Don’t fucking do it from the second I leave Alyssa’s company until the second I return.
“There it is,” she whispers with her eyes on me.
“There what is?”
“You may not know it, but you’re already looking for ways to push me away. I know that expression. I see it every time you pick a fight with me.”
My jaw clenches. I pull my hand away and get to my feet.
“Let me guess.” She laughs quietly. “You need to leave. I probably won’t see you again for days until you cave and come down to see me under some more false pretenses.” Dragging her eyes up to meet mine, she asks, “Is it so horrible to accept that I might be more than just your prisoner?”
“You are just my prisoner. You’re the one who’s trying to change the narrative.”
Alyssa just shakes her head in quiet disgust. “There it is,” she says again. “There it fucking is.”
“Just because you may know details of my life and my family does not mean you know me,” I snarl. “Don’t make the mistake of assuming you mean more to me than you do. But I suppose that’s typical of you.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Ziva told you what she wanted, what she needed, and you refused to listen to her.” Her eyes go wide. Even as the words leave my mouth, I’m aware of what a colossal fucking asshole I’m being. And yet, I still can’t stop myself. “Apparently, denial is your defining characteristic.”
Her eyes go wide and I can see the tears standing there, ready to fall. “You… you bastard.” There’s a foot of space between us but it may as well be a mile-long road through hell. “Get out. Leave me the fuck alone.”
It’s what I wanted, wasn’t it? A reason to walk away without crossing the line yet again. I got exactly what I asked for.
But no victory has ever felt more hollow.
51
ALYSSA
“I brought you something.”
Lev opens his fist to reveal a single purple flower from the garden. Except the petals have wilted from the heat of his palm and the stem has snapped. He stares at the flower, his mouth dropping open with frustration.
“I… I killed it.”
“No, no, it’s okay, Lev.”
That familiar rocking starts up again. “I k-killed it. I killed it. I killed it. I—”
“Lev.” My tone is sharp enough to get his attention. I reach out and take the flower from his palm. “I love it. Thank you.”
He looks unsure. “It’s dead.”
“It’s still beautiful. Did you know that purple has always been one of my favorite colors?”
The rocking slows down. “Really?”
“Oh, yeah. Always. How did you know that?”
He smiles shyly. “I guessed.”
“Smart guy.” I give him a wink. “Lev, can I ask you a huge favor?”
I spent the entire night thinking this over. Am I really going to use Lev to get me out of here? I kept hitting the same roadblock over and over again—namely, my conscience. It just felt so wrong to take advantage of Lev that way.
But I can’t stay here much longer. The basement, I can deal with. The lack of sunlight, I can learn to live without. Even the limited number of activities is something I can force myself to adjust to.
But Uri? He’s the one thing I can no longer be near.
So as much as I hate myself for it, it’s Lev or nothing.
The door opens suddenly and the both of us cringe back. The voice that comes through is soft and feminine and completely new to me. A head appears around the door frame—short brown hair in a straight bob and large hazel eyes flecked with little spots of brown.
Just like her mama’s.
“You must be Polly.”
She enters the basement, her eyes moving from Lev to me. “Who are you?” she asks tentatively.