“Is that from your sister?”
The question comes out of left field and it successfully distracts me from setting off on that particular downward spiral. I look down at my charm bracelet and of course, I’m fiddling with my Z link without even realizing it.
“Um, well… it was hers. Ziva’s. My sister. I started wearing it after—” The lump that forms in my throat is fat and ruthless. I swallow it away. “—just, after.”
He’s watching me close enough that I feel my cheeks burn. “You touch it every time you feel uncomfortable,” he observes.
I shrug. “It’s basically my safety blanket at this point.”
“That makes sense.”
I frown. “Does it?”
He glances at the bracelet. “I’m guessing before that bracelet, she was your safety blanket.”
“Oh my.” I haven’t even got a coherent word out and already I can feel the tears coming. I try to bite them down but the lump in my throat is back with a vengeance. I make the mistake of looking into his piercing blue eyes.
I’m not sure what I see in them. Sympathy? Understanding? Compassion? Whatever it is, a sob escapes my lips and then I’m fully crying.
“Dammit,” I choke up. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.”
I wipe my face with the sleeve of my shirt but it doesn’t make a difference because the tears don’t stop. “God, I hate crying. This is embarrassing.”
“Why? You’re crying for someone you love. There’s no shame in that.”
He makes a good point. But unfortunately, it only makes the tears flow harder. The weight on my chest persists. That old familiar bruise. It’s been a while since I’ve sat with it like I’m doing now, but spending time with Lev has pulled it to the surface.
And since I’m already crying, I figure I might as well talk about it.
“I-it was… Leukemia,” I manage to burble out. “That’s what killed her.” Uri’s eyes soften considerably, though he says nothing. “It took me a very long time to learn how to live without her. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve ever really learned to live without her.”
“It’s not the same thing,” he says gently. “It never will be. It took me a while to adjust, too.”
I raise my tear-stained eyes to his. “In what way?”
He sighs and his brows furrow. He looks disappointed. “Let’s just say I wasn’t always so patient with Lev. But—he’s alive. At least we didn’t lose him, too. That’s all that matters. That’s what I remind myself.”
My body angles towards him, drawn to the sadness on his face. I know that feeling; I can relate to that feeling. “It must have been hard to lose the brother you knew.”
“That’s exactly what it was. He was alive, but still… It felt like the boy he used to be was gone forever. He may have survived the crash but I mourned Lev as much as I mourned my parents.”
“Mourning,” I whisper. “It’s strange, isn’t it? To be left with all these thoughts and memories and feelings of this person you’ll never see again. This person who was stamped all over your life and then suddenly—”
“You’re alone.”
I nod. “You can’t reach them.”
“And you know that you have to either sink or swim all on your own now.”
I nod again, a tiny part of my brain registering that his face seems to be getting closer to mine. And my body is pulling closer to his.
My eyes flutter, ready to be shut. We shouldn’t be doing this but—
Ping. Ping. Ping.
We jerk apart violently and Uri looks down at his phone. Which I’m grateful for, because my cheeks are burning up and I can’t take much more of this tiptoeing ever closer to the line we cannot, should not, will not cross.
Then he bounds to his feet, his eyes never once flickering to me. “I have to go.”
From the look on his face, it’s obviously urgent. Or maybe he’s just relieved that the text message came at the exact right time to stop us from going too far. He turns and jogs back to the house.
And I sit there, waiting for the relief to hit me.
But… nope.
No such luck.
28
URI
“We have to act now, Uri! There’s no fucking way we can leave this unanswered.”
Nikolai’s nostrils are flared, his eyes wide with indignation, his face blotchy with fury. He keeps waving the letter in my face as though that helps his case.