“Alyssa,” he murmurs again.
“Is it okay that I’m here, Lev?” I ask, gnawing the inside of my cheek. “If it’s not, I can go.”
His bottom lip quivers a little and then suddenly, he’s running full-tilt towards me. He grabs a hold of me, buries his face in the crook of my neck, and starts bawling. I’m reminded of just how big he is. I can barely stay on my feet with his six foot-two frame collapsing down on top of me.
I run a hand down his trembling back again and again. “Hey, Lev, it’s okay. It’s all gonna be okay.”
Words. Just meaningless, useless words that I spew out because I don’t know what else to do or say. I don’t believe them and I don’t know that even he does.
When he settles down a little, I walk him back to the bed and we sit on the edge together. “Are you okay?”
He shakes his head, though I’m not sure if that’s a yes or a no. Considering the number of tears on his cheeks, I’m gonna have to go with the latter. I take a tissue and wipe the tears off his face.
“Why d-didn’t you come to s-see me?” he blubbers.
“I’m sorry, Lev. I wanted to, but… it’s complicated.”
His frown is heartbreaking. “I thought you were angry with me.”
“No!” I exclaim adamantly. “Of course not. I could never be angry with you.” I take his hand and, while he flinches a little, he doesn’t move out of my grasp. “Why would you even think that?”
“B-b-because… e-everyone is a-a-angry with m-me.”
The stuttering is new, too. It happened before but not so violently or so frequently. I squeeze his hand a little tighter. At least he doesn’t seem to be too uncomfortable with my touch. “Can you take a deep breath for me, Lev? We’ll both breathe together.”
He gives it his best effort and, after a couple of breaths, he seems in a slightly better position to talk. “Okay—now, who else do you think is angry with you, Lev?”
His jaw trembles. “U-Uri.”
I frown. Uri? He’s always so patient with Lev. I can’t imagine that that’s changed. But then again, I’ve probably missed a lot while I’ve been trapped down in the basement.
“Uri is angry with you?”
“He says he’s not. B-b-but he doesn’t spend time with me like he u-u-used to. He doesn’t have t-t-time for games. He d-doesn’t even e-e-eat with me a-a-anymore. S-sometimes, he even yells.”
“At you?”
Lev nods. “B-b-but mostly at other p-p-people.”
Guilt. Hot and relentless. So much fucking guilt.
“Listen to me, Lev: no one is angry with you. It’s just that your brother has been under a lot of stress lately. It’s not personal.”
Lev looks at me as though he doesn’t understand. The thing is, I do. I understand that Uri is so terrified for his sister that he’s not able to be there for Lev in the same way he used to be. And he has to be going through a lot if he’s dropping the ball with Lev.
But it’s not like I can explain why Uri is under so much stress. I have no idea if Lev even knows about Polly’s absence. For all I know, Uri might have told Lev that she’s back in boarding school. Lev wouldn’t question that.
“Hey, do you wanna go for a walk with me?”
His eyes go wide with panic. “No. They’ll take me again.”
“Who?”
“The bad men.”
Ah. There’s that guilt again.
“The bad men are gone, Lev,” I assure him, though my throat is clogged with emotion. “No one can get through these walls. You’re safe now.”
He looks skeptical. “I like this room. I want to stay here.”
“Please, Lev?” I try. I know pushing him may not be the right thing to do here but I so badly want to help in whatever way I can. “I’ll be with you the whole time. I think a walk might do you good.”
He looks uncertain. “A small walk…？”
“A small walk, sure. You can hold my hand the entire time. And hey, if we stop by the kitchen, maybe we can have ourselves a cereal feast. What do you think?”
He tilts his head to the side, intrigued. “Okay.”
I squeeze his hand and get to my feet. He looks up at me, aimless for a moment before he gets to his feet, too. He cringes against the sunlight when we step into the hallway. It takes him several minutes to adjust to the brightness before we can move downstairs.
Reaching the kitchen feels like a victory. George is in there, slurping noodles out of a bowl. His eyes go wide when he sees me enter with Lev.