“I know,” he says gently. “But you can do this.”
I can do this. I can do this. I can—
My silent meditation is interrupted by Uri’s phone blowing up. He looks down at his lock screen and winces. Disappointment unfurls in my belly but I pretend that I’m alright.
“It’s okay,” I tell him before he says anything. “You can leave if you have to.”
His hand lingers on mine. “Nikolai’s just outside. He’ll stay with you while I’m gone, okay?”
I nod. “I’ll be safe.”
He presses a kiss to my forehead and strides out of the room. A few seconds later, Nikolai walks in. “Hey there. Heard you’ve checked into Chez Hospital for the next couple of weeks.”
I sigh. “Looks like it.”
“They’re getting a private room prepped for you in this ward. It should be ready in a couple of minutes.”
I get off the examination table and join him on the chairs in the corner of the room. “Thanks for staying with me.” He doesn’t answer. Instead, he stares at my face like there’s some puzzle hidden there. “What?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Didn’t you hear? I’m gonna be lucky to carry these babies to thirty weeks. And even if I do, they’ll still be premature and they’ll still need to be moved to the NICU until they can function on their own.”
Nikolai puts his hand on mine. “These babies are half you and half Bugrov,” he points out. “They can handle anything life throws at them. Even in utero.”
“You’re confident?”
“What’s the alternative—giving up?” he scoffs. “That’s not an option.”
I smile and sink back on the exam table. “I just… I can’t go through this again, Nikolai. When I lost my sister, I thought I’d used up my quota of pain. I can’t bear the thought of losing either one of these babies.”
“There’s no stopping the inevitable, Alyssa. All this stress doesn’t change the universe.”
“I can’t turn my brain off, and…” I glance at Nikolai out of the corner of my eye. “The truth is, I can’t really talk to Uri about any of this.”
“Why not?”
“Because every time I try, it’s like he’s not really listening. He throws tools at me. He wants me to do this and do that. If I say I’m scared, he wants to bulk up security. If I tell him I feel bad, he tries to get me medicine. If I tell him I’m depressed, he buys me presents. But I don’t need any of that stuff. I just need him to hear me.”
Nikolai sighs. “You have to understand, Alyssa: Uri is the fix-it guy. He can’t meet a problem without trying to solve it. The idea of just listening without taking any action is not in his DNA. He’s used to having control and this situation is not in his control. So he tries to compensate by doing stuff for you whenever he can. It makes it easier to ignore his own doubts, his own worries.”
Nikolai has a point. Of course this is just as hard for Uri as it is for me. But at least I have the luxury of falling apart when I need to.
He doesn’t.
Perhaps I should take my own advice and try to listen to Uri a little better. I’ve gotten so used to having him take care of my needs, that somewhere along the way, I’d forgotten he has his own.
“Thanks for talking to me, Nikolai. It’s like having a therapist and a friend all rolled into one. Except cheaper.”
Nikolai just gives me a reassuring smile. “Anytime,” he says softly. “Anytime.”
43
URI
I don’t trust anyone.
But sometimes, the appearance of trust goes a long way. Which is why I walk into the lobby of the Barrington Hotel unarmed and unaccompanied. Dimiv is sitting out in the foyer, sipping a vodka sour. But apart from him, I’m flying solo.
So, it appears, is Dominik Evanoff. The man is sallow-skinned and bone-thin, which makes him look like a weathered skeleton in an Armani suit. His blonde hair is slicked back with enough product to drown a horse in and he doesn’t even attempt to smile when I approach his table.
He does stand up and offer me his hand. “Mr. Bugrov.”
“Evanoff,” I nod, taking the seat opposite him. “It’s a pleasure to—”
“Dispense with the pleasantries, if you would, please. I’ve been in this game long enough to know that you don’t make friends in our line of work. You make allies or enemies. That’s it.”