Sighing, my brother claps me on the shoulder. “I get it; you’re scared. But right now, you need to support her. Fighting her will get you nowhere.”
I fix him with a snide glare. “Of course you’re taking her side. Fucking figures.”
“‘Her side’？” Nikolai balks. “I wasn’t aware there were ‘sides’ here. We’re all one family now, Uri.”
“Is that what you would like me to believe?”
His brow lifts up higher. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You think I haven’t noticed how close you’ve become to Alyssa? The long conversations, the inside jokes, the way you look at her?”
His eyes go wide with shock at first. Then they narrow with anger. “I’m not even gonna dignify that vile shit you just spewed with a response. You are my brother; she’s my friend. I just happen to believe that, as the mother who’s carrying those babies, Alyssa has the right to make the final decision on what she wants to do, how long she wants to carry for, and how she gets to bring them into this world.”
I glower at him. “I preferred it when you hated her.”
I’m painfully aware that I’m not being my best self at this moment, but the fear is clouding out any calm I might’ve otherwise had. All I can concentrate on is the fact that I have absolutely no control over any of this and it’s making me want to break shit.
“I never hated Alyssa,” Nikolai retorts defensively. “I just wanted to avoid bringing her into this kind of situation. I didn’t think it was a responsible decision to involve a civilian into our world. And look what’s happened since then—obviously, I was right.”
“So this is all my fault then—is that what you’re trying to say?”
“Get your head out of your ass, Uri! I’m not blaming you; I’m not blaming anyone. What’s happened has happened. This is the situation we’re in and you have to decide what kind of man you want to be. Don’t you get it? This is not about you at all. This is about Alyssa and those babies. She thinks about those babies she’s carrying and she sees herself and her sister. Losing one of the twins would be like losing Ziva all over again. Why do you think she’s so determined to save both of them? Because she couldn’t save her sister!”
Well, fuck. Nothing like harsh truth being thrown in your face to make you wake the hell up.
“Goddammit,” I mutter under my breath.
Nikolai eyes me warily. “It’s time for you to step up, little brother. It’s time to see what you’re made of when you can’t control every little thing around you.”
“She talks to you about Ziva?” I ask grudgingly.
He shrugs. “I talk to her about losing Mother and Otets. She talks to me about losing her sister. It’s what friends do.”
I feel a tiny kernel of guilt for my earlier accusations like a shard of glass in my chest—but I’m still too pigheaded, too riled up, too much myself to actually apologize for any of it.
I mean, I should be happy they’re close. He’s my brother and she’s my… my…
I turn towards Alyssa’s ward door as something deep and visceral stirs in my gut. Without saying a word, I push my half-drank coffee cup into Nikolai’s free hand and drift numbly into Alyssa’s ward. She’s holding her elbows tucked tight to her abdomen like she can’t get warm no matter how hard she tries.
“You okay?” I ask as I slip into the room.
She sniffles but doesn’t answer.
I venture closer. Every step in her direction is harder than the last. It’s like I’m being sucked into a black hole—I can’t tear myself away, no matter how much I try. It’s just blissful oblivion. Inevitable. Inexorable.
Alyssa looks like she feels the same pressure consuming us. Before I even get halfway across the room, frantic words burst from her lips. “If you’re coming back to try to talk me out of continuing with this pregnancy, don’t bother, Uri, because it’s not going to happen. I’ve—”
“That’s not what I came here to do.”
“Oh.” She looks surprised. “Okay then.”
“I’m here to tell you that we’ll do things your way.” Those words feel like acid coming off my tongue but I force myself to say them anyway. “I’m going to support your decision.”
Her face brightens with a smile. “Really?”
“Really. But—” The smile drops off her face immediately. “—only on one condition.”