Feeling too anxious to just start blurting out all my thoughts and feelings, I cross over into the kitchen, dropping my purse and backpack down on the counter. And because I’m a mess who always has to do something with her hands, I jerk open the fridge and snatch up a bottle of water.
Letting the door shut, I slowly turn. “Ryan, I—”
“We can’t keep doing this,” he says, tossing the game controller down. The motion freezes the screen, and the music—thank fucking God.
“Doing what?”
He slings an arm over the back of the couch, looking intently at me. “You can’t keep pushing me away. I know you’ve been hurt before, but any man who would cheat on you is a fucking idiot. I’m not that man, Tess. So, stop testing me.”
“Wait—this isn’t about Troy being a cheater,” I say, setting the bottle of water down. “Is that really what you think?”
“Why else would you be trying to shove me at Cami to see if I stick? You thought the same thing about Drunk Cleopatra, remember? Tess, I’m not that guy.”
God, how did this all get so inside-out?
“I know Troy’s cheating wasn’t about me, Ryan. He cheated because he was weak and lonely and desperate for external validation. He’s always needed other people to build him up and make him feel like the man. And I know you’re not a cheater. I know you’re not Troy.”
He launches off the couch. “Then what is this about? If I’m not in your arms, and if we’re not fucking, then you shut me out and shut me down. It’s like we don’t exist outside of these four walls,” he says, gesturing around the room.
“I swear, I’m not trying to push you away,” I say. “I’m just…succeeding.”
“Tess, talk to me,” he presses. “What is this about—”
“It’s about you,” I cry. “It’s about me trying to stop you from throwing your life away, waiting on me to give you something when I’ve told you I never can!”
“Jesus, fuck.” He drags both hands through his hair. “Is this about what you said to me at the wedding last month? That bullshit about me wanting to marry you?”
“Ryan—”
“Have I ever asked you to marry me?” he shouts. “Have the words ‘Marry me, Tess’ ever left my mouth in the form of a question?”
“No—”
“Have you ever even asked me my views on the subject?” he says, crossing his arms.
“No.”
“No, you haven’t,” he snaps. “Because you’ve been too busy running scared, right? Poor Tess can’t plan for the future. All she can think about is running from her past. Well, let me enlighten you. I don’t give a shit about marrying you. Why would I?” he adds with a shrug. “Neither of us are religious, and we’re both U.S. citizens. I don’t need the tax benefits and, frankly, I’d rather keep my finances separate from my partner—not because I intend to withhold from her, but because my taxes are a fucking mess.”
Of course, my calculating Virgo has thought it all out. “Ryan—”
“That is all to say nothing about how unnecessary I see the institution to be,” he says over me. “Love is love, right? Look at Doc and her guys. Just look at the bullshit they’re having to deal with, picking who gets to be married and who gets a commitment ceremony. And what are they gonna do when they have kids? Who gets to be the father? It’s fucking bullshit.”
“And then look at you,” he says, waving a hand at me. “All you want is out of a marriage that no longer works for you, and yet you’re trapped. It’s been three fucking years, and you can’t break free of that asshole. It’s madness.”
I hold back my tears as he paces away from me with a muttered curse.
Then he’s closing the space between us, taking me by the shoulders and holding my gaze. “If it will stop you running scared, I’ll make you this vow right here, right fucking now: Tess Owens, I will never ask you to marry me. Those words will never pass my lips, okay?”
Our bodies hum with electricity at being so close. It’s like mine knows to crave him. It knows he’s nearby. Does he feel the same? The tremble in his fingers makes me think he does.
“But let’s not for one more second distract ourselves with talk of a marriage neither of us want or need,” he says, still holding tight to me. “This isn’t about that. Just admit it: You’re terrified.”