“I said shut up! You make me fucking crazy when you won’t just shut up and listen to me!”
“Troy…honey, you’re choking me,” I rasp, a tear slipping down my cheek.
Slowly, I see the anger recede in his eyes as he traces a line down his own arm, ending at the hand on my throat. With a groan, he drops his hand away and steps back.
I gasp, holding in a sob as I grip to the desk, hand massaging my throat.
Don’t panic, I tell myself. Don’t let him see you panic.
Another tear falls as I watch him pace two steps back.
“Fuck, do you see how crazy you make me? You think I don’t love you, but this is what you do to me, Tess. You make me feel like a fucking monster, and I hate it.”
“This isn’t love, Troy.” I massage my throat, praying he didn’t leave a mark. “You don’t love me…and I don’t love you.”
“You can’t tell me how I feel—”
“This is possession,” I press, dropping my hand back to my side. “All we do is hurt each other, and it has to stop. We gave your mother her way, but enough is enough. Let me write up the papers. All you have to do is sign, and you can finally be free of me. Please, Troy—”
“God—fuck—just stop pushing,” he cries. “You know this isn’t easy for me, Tess. I’m not a quitter. I don’t lose. I—fuck, you just had to go embarrass me in front of the whole fucking world.” He steps into my space, and I hold my ground, not letting him see how scared I am, how much I want him to just leave.
“I bet you wanted those photos taken,” he says, his face inches from mine. “I bet you posed for them. You wanted to twist the fucking knife in my heart!” He pounds on his chest with his balled fist. The sound sparks panic as I imagine that fist pounding against me instead.
“I didn’t, Troy. I swear to you—”
“I don’t know how we repair this damage,” he says over me. “I don’t know how you think you come back from this,” he adds, gesturing around my office.
I go still, my heartbeat frozen in my chest. “A divorce would solve everything. We dissolve the marriage and ride out the gossip. This isn’t the Middle Ages, Troy. Divorce happens all the time,” I soothe, placing my hand on his arm. “People will move on—”
“I don’t care about other people,” he says angrily, shrugging away from my touch. “I care about you and me. Us. How do I work with you after this? There’s no escaping your judgmental looks or your shitty, hurt expressions. I can’t just let you drag me down and paint me as your cheating ex-husband.”
“Troy, I would never do that. I’m a professional—”
“You’re already doing it,” he counters. “Every day you waltz in here, totally unaffected by our separation. It’s so easy for you to make a mockery of me, and I can’t have that. I’m rising up the ladder here, taking on more responsibility every day. Soon I’ll be full partner.”
I lean away, eyes wide. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying this is bigger than you and me. It’s careers and reputations.”
I put the pieces of his threat together. “So, you’re saying I stay married to you to protect your reputation…or you’ll have me fired? You’ll end the career I spent a decade building over a few grainy cellphone photos?”
“I’m saying you need to think about what matters most to you,” he counters, slipping his hands in his pockets. “You’ve got a reputation, too, you know. I’d hate to see you make an irrational choice. You say I’m the one lighting the fire here, Tess, but that’s not true. You’re holding the match. You’ve got all the power right now, not me. What you do with it is up to you.”
He turns away from me and moves towards the door, ripping the air from my lungs.
I feel empty. Hollow.
“I’ll give you a few days to cool off and think everything over,” he says at me over his shoulder. “And don’t worry,” he adds, pulling my door open. “I won’t have security escort you out. I’m not the asshole you think I am, Tessy. But you should really go ahead and clear out of here before lunch…leave us to clean up your mess.”
10
My keys rattle down on the kitchen island as I stare blankly across the wide expanse of my apartment. It’s raining outside. Pouring. Sheets of icy sleet pelt sideways against my wall of windows making a rhythmic rata-tat-tat sound. Thunder rolls far in the distance, a deep rumble I feel in my chest.