“No,” she says quickly. “Ryan, I’m not getting the police involved. That is not the solution here.”
“Not the solution?” I repeat. “He fucking choked you, Tess. Was that the first time? Has he hurt you before?”
She doesn’t answer and I know I’m gonna kill him. But he’s not my priority right now. Tess is. I take her by the shoulders. “Look, I’m not trying to scare you here, but this all sounds really fucking serious. You’re describing an escalating pattern of violence, triggered by you threatening to leave him. You need to get a restraining order. And that’s just for a start. You need to document the attack too. You need a police record. I can help you. I have contacts—”’
She pulls away from my grip. “I need you to let me handle this my way, okay? I’m not out here trying to be another statistic. I know this man. I know what he’s capable of. I’ve got my exit strategy in place, okay? My way will work. And this is not your burden to carry or your problem to fix.”
My outrage simmers. “You’re telling me your psycho ex is using me to ruin your fucking life. You’re telling me he hurt you because you said you were with me. Forgive me if that feels like my problem too.”
“I’m sorry.” Her hand brushes my shoulder again. “Ryan, I’m so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. And I was never going to tell you—”
“What?” I inch away from her hand. “What was the plan then? You would just keep living with me and flirting with me and driving me fucking crazy while your psycho ex withholds a divorce because of me? What kind of fucking plan is that?”
“I don’t have a plan!” she cries. “You’re the Virgo who runs around organizing your life down to your damn calorie counts. I’m loud and chaotic and terrified of being alone. That’s why I came. There was no plan, I was just so fucking terrified of being alone. Again.”
Fuck, my heart is breaking for her. I reach out but she pulls away.
“I couldn’t stay there another second,” she goes on. “So, I went to the one place I’ve always felt safe, the one person. I came home to Rachel. Only she’s married now, and her priorities are different—and I love that for her,” she adds quickly. “But I am fucking terrified. I begged Troy for a divorce. I told him I’d give him anything. Everything. He can use any evidence he wants, and I’ll agree to it. I’ll say I was the one cheating this whole time—with you, with anyone. He can be the injured party. I won’t contest a thing. I just want to be free.”
“Tess, I’m so sorry,” I say, reaching for her again. “Please, let me help—”
“You’re not listening,” she cries. “Ryan, I was going to use you. I am using you. Stop being so nice to me!”
I drop my hand back to my side.
“You deserve so much better than me. You want things that I can’t give you. In this moment, I feel like all I can do is take. I’m in survival mode, and I’ll only drag you down with me.”
I consider her words. “And how do you survive? What did you hope would happen here, between us I mean?”
She takes a deep breath, holding my gaze. “I had every intention of using you to set Troy off. I wanted him to find me living with you,” she admits. “I wanted the idea of you touching me and kissing me and fucking me—whether it was true or not—to haunt him. And I wanted him to come at me hard. I wanted him to torch my entire life. At least then I’d know that the pieces of me that survived are strong. And with those pieces, I would finally start over.”
This is a lot of information to process all at once. I feel like I’ve just gone through a car wash in a convertible with the top down. I’m angry, I’m hurt, and so damn confused. “You were using me?”
She nods.
“And you’re still using me now?”
She shakes her head. “No, I can’t now.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
“Tell me anyway,” I say, needing her to say it.
She holds my gaze, and I see such hurt there, such loneliness and resignation. “Because you’re my friend. And I don’t use my friends.”
Yeah. Friends. We’ll fucking see about that.
33
Ryan is quiet in the car the whole ride back to the house. Neither of us were in the mood for ice cream when we left the beach. Then it started to rain the minute we got in the car. Now I’m just sitting in this oppressive silence, the only sound the faint squeak of the windshield wipers and the soft patter of the rain on the roof.