“To whip the crème fra?che,” he replies, like this is an obvious conclusion. “This is what you miss when you run away before the sun comes up.”
“I have a feeling this entire relationship would have gone differently if you had fed me that first night.”
“Glad I’m putting my best foot forward with matzo brei, in that case.” He’s breaking sheets of matzo into perfectly even pieces. “So, what did you think?”
“Of the movie?” She smiles, whisking the custard around the metal bowl. “I liked it.”
“I knew you would.” He scowls at a jagged piece and hands it to her.
“Well, you did say ‘it’s a perfect fucking movie’ about twelve times,” she says, munching on the matzo. “But it is a nice love story between the hot guy, Andre the Giant, and Mandy Patinkin.”
“You saw The Princess Bride and came away with ‘threesome’ as the conclusion?”
“No,” she says, placing the custard bowl on the counter. “My conclusion is that the secret to watching an entire movie with someone is having sex beforehand.”
“I’m happy to test that hypothesis anytime.” He slides a glass butter dish toward her. “Melt this in the skillet until it coats the bottom. Medium heat.”
“So dare I ask”—she sneaks another piece of matzo—“why do you have so many individually wrapped Oral-B toothbrushes in your bathroom? Lots of overnight visitors whom you impress with your stand mixer and film criticism?”
“Yeah, dozens,” he mutters. “Shockingly, I did plan on having sex again in my lifetime.”
“In that case”—Ari grabs her phone—“I think I should change your contact name back to ‘Biggest Boy.’？”
He gives her an exasperated sigh. “Okay, then I’m updating yours, too.” He reaches for his own device.
“Ooh, what am I going to be? ‘Pants Hater’？ ‘Crumb Demon’？ A simple ‘Brat,’ perhaps?”
Josh holds out his phone so she can see the new moniker.
GIRLFRIEND
She glances from the screen to his face, a different emotion slightly rearranging his features with every passing second of silence.
Ari looks back down at the phone in her hand and types. He braces himself—physically tenses up—when she turns it around to show him the screen.
BIGGEST BOYFRIEND
Relief floods his face. His phone buzzes again.
GIRLFRIEND : Thanks for the sex!
Ari’s mouth breaks into a wide smile. “Gabe might have questions when I return this—”
Josh drops the phone onto the counter. He slides his right arm around her waist and lifts her up until their faces are just about level. She’s too overwhelmed to be anything but deadweight as he kisses her hard, his nose pushing into her cheekbone.
“Can we try that again?” she asks when he slowly eases her down to the ground. “I feel like I wasn’t ready for that.”
“That could be the pull quote for our entire relationship.” He turns his attention to the sizzling butter.
Ari hops up on his kitchen table, letting her legs dangle.
Josh turns around from the stove, his expression cycling between indignation and titillation. “There’s a chair right there and you’re sitting on the tabletop I just cleaned? Get off.”
She feels a frisson of excitement low in her belly. “Make me…Chef.”
“Make you what?” He takes a few steps toward the table, raising his eyebrows.
She looks him in the eye, still kicking her legs and using a measured tone. “Make me get off.”
“Do I need to get the spatula?” He takes another step closer, and she’s convinced he smiles for half a second, before reaching out to grab her right ankle when she swings it forward. “Or the hairbrush?”
His eyes roam down her stomach, just below her belly button.
“Still, with this underwear?”
She looks down to confirm. “Well I haven’t received my two-hundred-dollar panties yet.”
“These are threadbare. I can’t let you walk around like that.”
“So don’t,” she says with a hint of a smile. Ari reaches for his hands, guiding them to the worn elastic waistband around her hips. They pull it down together.
He places a hand between her breasts and pushes until she’s lying back on the tabletop.
Over her heaving chest, she sees him kneel down. His nostrils flare as he grabs under her left thigh, and with a leg in each hand, pulls her forward just a bit roughly over the edge of the table. Something under her skin thrums.