“What about your own material?” he asks, broaching the subject cautiously. He may have very casually stalked @ari.snacks69 and watched some of her old stand-up sets and improv videos.
There’s a one-second pause, just long enough to throw off her rat-a-tat rhythm. “Excuse me, this is my material. I definitely do not regularly visit a blog post titled ‘Ninety Hilarious Maid-of-Honor Speech Examples’ and punch up the jokes.”
Josh hesitates, cognizant of the nerve he might be touching. “I watched some of your clips.”
She takes a breath in. “You did?” He’s not sure how to continue the conversation. There’s so little to go on without seeing her face.
“It was—” He racks his brain for the right adjective.
“Don’t say ‘interesting.’？”
“—impressive.”
“Really?” There’s something so pleased in her inflection. He’s forgotten that it feels good to pay compliments.
And he means it. Under normal circumstances, being in the audience of an improv show would hold the same appeal as watching a college a capella group perform an eighties medley. But the videos had provided a glimpse of an alternate version of Ari—someone with their defense shields up at sixty percent, rather than ninety.
“Really.”
“I used to love it,” she says. “I pretty much used to get off on the high. But last time I went onstage, my stomach was in knots and I was sweating and my heart was racing. It wasn’t typical nerves. I mean, total paralysis. I left the stage, which is a cardinal sin in improv. You don’t just walk away from a scene. You don’t leave your team hanging.”
Josh hesitates. His entire life feels like it’s hanging. “But you want to get back to it at some point.” It’s half question–half suggestion.
“I’m not sure.” She pauses. “When I got married, I didn’t have to pass hors d’oeuvres or walk dogs. Cass supported me so I could submit my comedy writing packets and perform and go on auditions. I threw everything into it and I’m still exactly where I started. So what’s the point? At least these NeverTired projects allow me to fail in private,” she continues. “Imagine hiring someone who failed at marriage and grew up without a dad to write a toast for your daughter’s wedding. He probably really hates the groom.”
“In that case, maybe you could have him warn them not to go through with it.”
“Rachel,” Ari says in an imitation of an older man’s voice. “If you’ll indulge this fifty-five-year-old, twice-divorced man for just a few minutes, I want to offer some advice. When you fall in love with someone, you’re all optimism. You have no sense of the hardships you’ll face in a few years. You’re thinking ‘This is it!’ because Caleb makes you happy. But I need to tell you the truth—”
“Happiness is bullshit,” Josh offers, deepening his voice to match her impression.
“Jesus. This is going to be one entertaining reception. Poor Caleb.”
“No one should marry the person who makes them happy,” Josh continues. “Marry the person you want by your side at your absolute lowest point.”
“Seriously, Rachel,” Ari interjects in the gruff old man voice. “Imagine Caleb eating Cheez-Its for dinner, watching Grown Ups 2, while writing wedding toasts for total strangers during the off-hours when he’s not a cater waiter. Now do you want to marry him?” She laughs at herself and then grows quiet. “Kind of a self-own, I guess.”
Josh clears his throat, feeling the urge to spin the sentiment into something optimistic. “If you genuinely want to spend years watching Caleb fuck up while he grows into the person you know he can be, that’s when you get married.”
Ari says nothing. The dead air gives Josh a brief sensation of panic. This is the problem with the immediacy of the phone: every nonresponse can be a subtle hint that the other person is about to hit the eject button on the conversation. Sophie would always say things like “well, I should let you go” or “wow, it’s so late on the East Coast” at the first moment of silence.
“Shit,” Ari says finally, “it’s almost one. Time to put on a grisly true crime podcast that definitely won’t give me nightmares.” Her polite sign-offs are at least disguised as frothy remarks.
“Maybe you should expand your horizons and learn something aside from how to commit murder and get caught.”