“Oh, come on. You stayed with him for years. You’d still be with him today if they hadn’t shot him in the head. Just like they did to Matthew.”
“I understand you feel I raised you in a bad environment, and that makes it my fault, what happened to Matthew. Maybe I should’ve sat you down when you were younger and explained a few things, but the truth was so ugly. I’ll tell it to you now, though. If you’ll listen.”
Kathryn said nothing, but she kept her eyes on her mother. She had to admit, she was curious. After a moment, Sylvia plunged ahead.
“You see, Eddie was my mother’s cousin. He started messing with me when I was sixteen and he was thirty-five. I admit, he didn’t force me. He gave me alcohol, he gave me money and gifts. And he was a handsome man. But I was underage, with no guidance. Nowadays, he’d get arrested. Back then, everybody looked the other way. And when I got pregnant with you, they blamed me, not him. My own parents blamed me. So, if you’re blaming me, too, Kathy, I don’t know what to say. I wish I could’ve given you a squeaky-clean life full of honest people. But that’s never who was around me.”
The kettle started to whistle, and Sylvia got up to make the tea. While she puttered in the kitchen, Kathryn thought over what she’d said. About to become a mother herself, she saw things in a new light. Ollie would be born into cataclysm. His father murdered, his mother implicated in crimes, his own safety at risk. It was a million miles from what she wanted for her child. But it was beyond her control. Couldn’t the same be said for Sylvia, and Kathryn’s upbringing?
She’d been unfair to her mother. Though, that didn’t answer the question of whether to trust her now. Deep down, she knew Sylvia was telling the truth. If it were only her own life at stake, she’d bet on her loyalty. But with the baby to think of, the stakes were higher. She couldn’t afford to be wrong.
The wind rattled the windows. Sylvia carried a tray with two cups of tea and a sleeve of saltines over to the sofa.
“Take off your coat, honey. You’re sweating.”
Without help, she had no chance of saving her child. Or herself. It was a leap of faith, but one she ought to take.
Kathryn shrugged out of her coat and handed it to her mother. Underneath, she wore a shapeless black dress, with a silk scarf at her neck to draw the eye. Since Matthew died, she couldn’t eat. In her fourth month of pregnancy, she’d gained only three pounds. But her waist had thickened in a noticeable way that Sylvia didn’t miss. Her eyes went wide.
“Kathy. You’re pregnant. Oh my God, no wonder you threw up like that. I’m so happy. How far along are you?”
“Four months.”
Her eyes glittered with tears of joy. “Thank you for sharing this with me. It’s wonderful news. What a special Christmas present.”
“It’s not wonderful. You can’t tell anyone. Do you understand? If they find out this baby exists, he won’t be safe.”
Sylvia wiped away tears, her expression sobering.
“Cross my heart, I won’t tell a soul. Does anyone else know?”
“Nobody. I’m hardly showing. I don’t go anywhere except work, and there, I wear my judge’s robes and sit behind the bench. It’s winter, so I hide under bulky sweaters. And my OB is in the same medical building as my shrink, so I say I’m going there when I leave for the appointments. Everyone believes that I’m depressed enough to go to the shrink constantly, so that works.”
“Okay, but how much longer? You won’t be able to hide it forever.”
“I don’t need to hide it forever. Just long enough to get away from here.”
Sylvia looked scared now. “Honey, how you gonna run with a baby? I say this as someone who was all alone and had nothing when her child was born. It’s a nightmare even if nobody’s after you. And these people will not let you go without a fight.”
“I understand that. Ray made it clear there’s no way out. That if I run, they’ll never stop looking for me. I have to figure some way around it.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Every day, I wake up terrified about what happens next and no closer to a solution.”
Sylvia sighed, and tucked Kathryn’s hair behind her ears. They sat for a moment, listening to the hiss of the radiator and the scratching of sleet against the windows. Kathryn picked up her teacup.
“Blow on it first, it’s hot,” Sylvia said.
Despite the horror of her situation, her mother’s presence made her feel better. A small kernel of hope began to glow in her heart.