“I will. I’ll look as soon as I get back. Look, Russ, I know I haven’t been the person you deserve. You’ve had to work harder, sacrifice more, struggle alone all because I wouldn’t fight my demons. I can’t change the past, but I can make sure it doesn’t happen again. If there’s help out there, I want to find it.”
I think he’s waiting for me to make a huge declaration of how it’s all going to be okay and how I trust and believe he’s going to get better, but I’m not going to believe it until I see it with my own eyes. I hope with everything that he’s serious, but it feels too good to be true right now. A small part of me worries that I’m too far gone to forgive him, that everyone will move on and I’ll be stuck in the past, still hurt beneath the surface.
Can a person really get everything they want? I’ve spent years struggling alone and in such a short space of time things have changed so much.
Sharing my feelings has worked so far this summer, which encourages me to be honest with Dad. “It would be nice to feel like a family again. If you could get better, I wouldn’t find it so difficult to be around you. Your unpredictable moods make me anxious.”
He nods, his eyes watering. He looks like he’s going to say something more, but instead his fist taps against the table twice and he stands. “I’m going to get out of your hair. This place is beautiful. Are you enjoying working here?”
I nod. “I love it.”
“I’m proud of you, Russ. You’re building a great life for yourself despite what I’ve put you through.” He looks like he’s going to lean in and hug me, but he doesn’t, instead holding out his hand for me to shake. “I’ll see you soon, son.”
“Bye, Dad.”
I sit alone at the picnic table for another twenty minutes. Thinking, processing, wondering if this could really be the start of the change I’ve been desperate for.
Eventually, I remember myself and head to find Jenna. It feels like there’s been more drama today than there has been the whole summer combined.
I know I fucked up and I know that Jenna has every right to fire me for what she saw, but I hope she won’t. Earlier, I thought being caught was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me at camp, but then my dad made an unplanned visit and, suddenly, that was the worst thing that could possibly happen to me at camp. Facing Jenna now feels a hell of a lot less scary.
As I knock on the door to her office, I realize a smart person would’ve kept out of the way and hoped for the best. I don’t appear to be a smart person anymore. But I’m not going to be able to function if I’m waiting around, wondering if I’m about to get told to pack my bags and leave.
“Nice to see you with your clothes on,” she says when I walk into her office.
The heat immediately rushes to my cheeks and ears. “I’ve been trying to think of something I could say that might explain why I knowingly ignored the rules, but I don’t have a good enough excuse and I don’t want to waste your time.” She folds her arms across her chest and sits back in her chair, staring at me with a look of defiance. “I never expected someone like Aurora to even look in my direction, but she has and I’m going to cling onto that with both hands. I know you love her, Jenna. All I want to do is make her happy.”
“You can’t make her happy and also keep your pants on?” she says. “This is a place of work, not a frat house.”
I stumble. “I’ve spent my life trying to stick to the rules. I’ve kept my head down, kept my stories and secrets and done my best to carry around my baggage alone. She makes me not want to be alone anymore. I’m sorry I broke the rules, but I don’t regret it and I’d do it again if it meant I could do it with her. I’m grateful for the opportunity your family has given me, but I’m more grateful for her.”
“Y’all stress me out so much, I swear.” Jenna rubs her temples and groans loudly. “Every day I want you to think about what you’re grateful for in life. Every single day. If she’s ever not on your list, I want you to work out why and fix it. If you’re not treating her like she’s the best thing to ever happen to you, you don’t deserve her. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
“She has a big heart but it’s bruised. When you spend a long time self-destructing, sometimes your pieces don’t fit back together quite right. She’s gonna need time and patience.”
“I understand.”