“A whole other life that she came here to escape.” Xander takes a long sip of his beer and it’s the most serious I’ve seen him. “I need to know if you know what you’re saying is wild and you just need my reassurance, or if you genuinely believe it? Because I can deal with a little it’s getting too real crisis, but if you actually think you should break things off with her, I don’t know how to help you, bro.”
“You think I’m being a dick, don’t you?”
Xander shrugs and it’s the yes he wants to say, but won’t, because he’s a good friend. I probably am being a dick, but I also know that things don’t go well for me in life. It’s hard not to get wrapped up in the good things, since they happen so infrequently, in comparison.
Xander sighs and I feel it in my bones. “I think you’re finding an issue where there doesn’t need to be an issue. Think of any famous person with a non-famous girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, whatever. Tell me something outrageous about them. Think of their deepest darkest secret, the one thing in the world they wanted nobody to know but came out anyway.” I’m totally blank. “You can’t because people don’t give a shit. You thought about dropping your friends that just went pro? Your now famous friends?”
I’d never want to cut out Nate or JJ. “Never even crossed my mind.”
“Isn’t your brother in a band, too? What happens when he gets mega famous? You’ll be Aurora-less and in the exact same situation. You clearly really like her and she stares at you like you hung the fucking moon. So just be together and don’t stress for once.”
It’s like being doused in cold water. I’d never want to give up the way she looks at me. “You’re right, man. I dunno. I think I’m just in my feelings.”
“That’s okay. Feelings are good,” he pulls out his cellphone, glancing at the screen briefly and immediately putting it back in his pocket. “Nothing good comes from bottling shit up. For the record, I think you’re being a fool because your chemistry is wild. She’s great. You’re great. I bet the se—”
“Watch it . . .”
“So protective, jeez. But my point stands. What could you possibly do or have done that’s so bad you’d give up someone who makes you happy. It’s not like you’re getting married, but I get it, it’s not something that’s going to go away in the future. But when did she stop being worth the risk?”
“I never said she wasn’t worth the risk. I want her. I like her so fucking much and I can’t work out how the hell this happened. But just because I want her doesn’t mean I deserve to have her. I’m just . . . I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying.”
Xander downs the rest of his beer and I sip on my soda, feeling irritated with myself. “Do you think you’re good enough for her?”
“What?”
“You heard me,” he says, resting his elbow on the table and leaning against his hand. “Something’s got you into this funk because you just said deserve. Is that what you’re worried about? You two get serious in the future and there’s an international debate to try to decide if you deserve her?”
“Well, I wasn’t until right now, Jesus Christ.” Another thing to now worry about.
Xander rolls his eyes. “Answer my question, dude. Do you think you’re good enough for Aurora?”
Wanting her, having her and feeling like I deserve her are three very different things. “No, I don’t. I’m a fuck up.”
“That’s your problem; you’re such a fucking pessimist. Let me tell you right now, Callaghan, no bullshit, no protecting your feelings—you are good enough. The sooner you start believing that, the sooner we get to pretend this little crisis you’re experiencing never happened.
“You gotta trust the universe to let you be happy, man. But if you’re not and you’re going to let Aurora down when shit gets too scary for you, then yeah, you should bow out now while it’s just starting. She doesn’t deserve to have that happen to her.”
“And if I fuck everything up first?”
He rolls his eyes again. “I swear you just enjoy punishing yourself, bro. You’re not a fuck up. You’re twenty-one and you’re one of the nicest, most level-headed guys I know. We’re friends, so you get to be in your head right now and I won’t hold it against you, but she will if you call it a day and change your mind when you realize you fumbled the bag.”