“No, Mills.” He gestures between us. “We had rules. You couldn’t have stopped him from feeling that way towards you, and I think a big part of me knew that from day one.”
Of course, he knew. I remember him telling me how scared he was for his son to grow attached to someone else who’d be leaving. Regardless, I stayed, and look what happened.
“You were right, Kai. I should’ve left after the first night in Miami.”
“Don’t say that.”
Hands on my head, I try to control my breathing. “I’m going to break his heart tomorrow, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with that.”
Kai swallows the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me to pull me into his chest. Sobs wrack my body then, knowing that he’s got me. He’ll settle me one last time.
“I haven’t earned that title,” I say into his shirt. “I haven’t done anything to be called that.”
“Yes, you have, Miller. Contrary to what you believe, you don’t have to be the best to earn a name for yourself. I know you. I know you’re having a hard time grasping what just happened because this wasn’t a goal you set out to achieve, so yeah, you’re feeling undeserving of the name. But what if I waited until I was the best possible dad to allow him to call me that? He’d be waiting for the rest of his fucking life.”
I bury myself deeper into his chest. He’s right about how I feel. I’m not good enough to be this boy’s mom. I don’t even know how to help him when he’s sick. I don’t have those natural motherly instincts.
“I see the way you are with him,” he continues. “How much confidence you give him just by being there for him. How much you love him. Trust me, I know how fucking scary it is for someone to view you that way, and tomorrow when you go, I’ll start straightening that out for him, but it’s not because you’re underserving of that name.”
It’s because I won’t be around to have it.
Inhaling a calming breath, I step back from him. “I shouldn’t have been so close with him this summer, Kai. I should’ve kept the line clearer that I was just passing through.”
Kai’s icy gaze hardens. “Why? So my son could spend time with someone who doesn’t make him feel like he’s the most important person in the world the way you have? Or so he wouldn’t know what it feels like to be loved the way you love him? That’s bullshit and you know it. Or are you saying that in regards to me? That you should’ve kept the line clearer with me that you’re just passing through.”
I should’ve kept the line clearer for myself because this hurts. Every word feels like an arrow straight to the heart, sharp and painful. This is exactly why I’ve remained detached because loving someone when your paths are running in different directions is the worst kind of torture.
Kai takes off his hat, placing it on the kitchen island, running an aggravated hand through his dark brown hair. “God, Miller, you try so hard to keep yourself detached. To live this lonely life, and I don’t fucking get it.”
I know he’s speaking, but all I can see is his hat sitting upside down on the kitchen island. The same photo of Max is tucked into the inner brim, but now there’s a new addition. I could pick out that picture anywhere. The bright yellow T-shirt is hard to miss after seeing it on my dad’s desk every day this summer.
“What is that?”
Kai follows my line of sight, staring right at his hat. His exhale is defeated. “You know what that is.”
“Why? Why would that be there? Why is it next to Max’s picture?”
He doesn’t answer me, so I pull my attention away from the picture to find him staring at me and it isn’t until he has my full attention that he says, “Because when life or work gets too stressful, too overwhelming for me, I’m able to see who matters most. And that’s you, Miller.” He shakes his head. “And it’s in there because I’m so fucking in love with you, it’s too painful not to be able to see you every second of the day.”
I shake my head frantically, as if the words will disappear if I do. “No, you’re not.”
We had rules that I needed him to follow. Rules that were set in place to keep me from hurting him. I can deal with breaking my own heart, but I can’t live with breaking his. It’s happened too many times in his life.
“I am.” He throws his hands up in defeat. “I fucking love you, and I’m sorry that neither my son nor I could control how we feel about you. I’m sorry that this is the last thing you wanted to hear, but I’m not sorry that I do.”