I bite my lip, scared to admit the truth, that I want it to entail everything. “You tell me.”
“Unlimited access to your pencils.”
“So long as you don’t wait four years to return them.”
He gives me that cheeky grin, and his eyes search mine. “In all seriousness, I think it entails holding hands, definitely.”
“Holding hands? Like in public?” I mock.
“Oh yeah. In the hallway. Walking to class. In the library. Until your hand gets tired, loses all circulation, and falls off.” Morbid visual aside, I let myself imagine what it would be like to walk down the hall in front of everyone, hand in hand with Renner. Finally.
Everything in me wants to leap into the air and let out a giddy screech. But for the sake of playing it cool, I just smile up at him coyly. “Yeah? Where else would you hold my hand?”
He reaches for my hand on his shoulder and squeezes for added effect. “Graduation. Grad party. When I pick you up after work at Two Cows. When I visit you at the lake house. Every day. All summer.”
I see all of it so clearly in my mind. Because I already know how it feels to ride in the passenger seat of his van. To have him smile at me. Hold me in his arms.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
I rest my head against his chest and squeeze him tight, as though he’s going to disappear again. “I just . . . I’m scared. To lose you. Already.”
He pulls me closer, placing a soft kiss on top of my head, then pulls back slightly. He places both hands on either side of my cheeks, and specks of light dance across his face. “Look, I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next thirteen years. I don’t even know what’s going to happen tomorrow. But what I do know is, right now, all I want is to be with you, Char. And that’s all I’ve wanted since I saw you on the first day of school. So please stop planning ahead for five seconds and just be with me in this moment.”
“I can do that.” Happy tears fill my eyes when I realize maybe this is what it’s all about. Maybe this is true happiness. Being in Renner’s arms, surrounded by our closest friends.
I take it all in. The lights, transforming the gym into the magical place it is. Kassie and Ollie dancing and laughing a couple feet over. Nori in conversation with Tayshia near the door, head back midlaugh.
Sure, I may have seen all our potential futures. I may know exactly how it’s going to unfold. And yet, here, right now, I’m present. In this moment, this is the youngest I’ll ever be. While I can’t control what will happen or who I’ll lose in my life, I know I can make the most of right now.
And I want to live in this moment.
Letter to myself at thirty—by Charlotte Wu
For the MHS 2024 Time Capsule, to be buried after graduation
Dear thirty-year-old Charlotte,
I’m writing to you moments after crossing the stage at graduation. I’ll make this quick because Mom, Dad, and Renner are waiting to take cap and gown pictures.
Let’s be honest, you’re still a goal-chaser. There’s no way to stop that. And that’s okay. Goals are good. Goals propel us forward.
But I hope that with every milestone you achieve, you take the time to appreciate it. Don’t let future goals get in the way of enjoying present happiness. Teenage Charlotte spent too many days dwelling over things she couldn’t control. Don’t let the stress of college exams, jobs, or relationships ruin your ability to experience life to the fullest. Hold on to every moment. Be present. Take it all in, second by second, untainted by plans and logistics. Treasure the now forever, because in the blink of an eye, it’ll be gone. And on that same note, don’t let the past dampen your present. Don’t let fear or anger stop you from what you truly want.
Let go of the past and stop waiting for the future.
Love,
Teenage Charlotte
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Like Charlotte Wu, I was the person in the group project who took over because they didn’t trust others. I’ve always aimed high. In fact, I’ve spent most of my life chasing the next thing: good grades, university acceptance, the degree, the dream job, the dream house, and so on. In all those years of goal-chasing, I’ve learned a couple things:
1） Satisfaction after hitting a milestone is only temporary. The secret to happiness （for me） is being at peace with the “now.” It’s not to say you can’t have dreams, but don’t attach them to your self-worth.
2） You can’t do everything on your own. It takes a village to publish a book. And in fact, having a talented and passionate team behind me has produced results beyond what I could have comprehended. Woke Up Like This would not exist without the hard work and support of the following people: