"I really want to know who you had a conversation with regarding me and my dreams." I almost smack my hand on the table, the sadness definitely replaced by anger. "I would love to know where this conversation took place." It’s his turn to roll his eyes. "I mean, at the very least, I should have been included in those discussions since it had to do with my future and my life. Don’t you think?"
"I couldn’t do that to you." His voice is almost in a whisper. "The thought of making you choose me or your family, I just couldn’t put you in that position." He shakes his head. "Have you pick me or your family; how would you be able to do that?" I can see how torn up he is about it even after all these years. "What if you picked me and regretted it and then resented me?”
"I loved you with everything that I had." I put my hand to the middle of my chest where the pain is starting to form. "And you just threw it away."
"I didn’t throw it away." He shakes his head. "I let you go so you could do this." He raises his hands toward the backyard. "So you could build the practice that you always thought you would have. I sacrificed myself for you." I see him blinking away his own tears. "That was the single hardest thing I ever had to go through.” I see his Adam’s apple move up and down when he swallows. "Even harder than when my father died." His voice cracks and I gasp in shock. Never once did I think that he hurt as much as me, or maybe I just didn’t want to think about it. Maybe I wanted him to hurt for hurting me, but I never ever thought it would be as bad for him as it was for me. Because he was the one who let me go. "What if I had asked you to come with me?" He looks at me and I see the pain in his eyes. "Would you have come with me?"
"It’s too late for that," I answer honestly, not willing to go back to that time. Not wanting to go back to the same question I asked myself over and over again. "It’s too late for that," I repeat again, shaking my head.
Chapter 19
Travis
"What if I had asked you to come with me?" I look at her and the pain from letting her walk away from me four years ago leaks out into my soul. The wound that I thought faded and left a scar is now bleeding out. "Would you have come with me?" I ask her the words that I should have asked her four years ago. The question that could have changed both of our lives.
"It’s too late for that," she answers, shaking her head. "It’s too late for that," she repeats the words again.
"It’s never too late." I hate that I’m sitting in front of her and not next to her where I can touch her. I hate that we are having this conversation over a dinner table and not with her in my arms. "What if I told you that I never should have let you go?" I see her bottom lip tremble. "Not this past Sunday and not four years ago."
"Travis." She says my name and I’m not sure if it’s a plea or a question.
"Letting you walk out of my life is the biggest regret of my whole life." After four years, she deserves to have it all. We both do. "Hands down, the worst day of my life. Hands down, the worst decision I ever made. Hands down, the biggest regret I’ve had.”
"You were going to get married," she says, her voice in almost a whisper. "You were literally at the altar getting ready to get married."
"Yet, here I am," I say. "Sitting at a table with you. Where I’m meant to be. Do you think I would be here if I wasn’t meant to be here?"
"I have no idea." She shrugs.
"You walking into the church was a sign. I knew that I didn’t love her. At least, not the way I should. Not the way someone should when they are going to be married. Do I love Jennifer? She’s a great person." I swallow the lump in my throat. "But what I felt for you." I shake my head to correct myself. "What I feel for you, it’s so much fucking more."
"How can you say that?" she asks and I can see the struggle she is going through and I hate that we are doing this.
"Because I can," I finally say. "Because it’s the truth. Because after four fucking years, it’s time to get it all out there." The nerves run through me. "Four years ago, I let you go without talking to you. I was wrong," I admit. "Four years ago, letting you go shattered me. Literally." The lump in my throat forms into the size of a golf ball. "I don’t even know how I made it through the exams, and to be honest, I don’t really remember much of anything for a good year. It was like I was in a daze. I got up every day, did what I had to do, and then the next day started over again. Like Groundhog Day, except it was my life." If I give her anything, it will be the whole picture, the good, the bad, the ugly. "For two years, no one could say your name around me." I look down at my hands and they nervously tap the table as a tear slips out. "I couldn’t even think of you without having this crushing pain in my chest. It was hard to breathe, and then I met Jennifer and she was nice. I knew that what I felt for her wasn’t love because it was nothing, and I mean nothing, like what I felt for you. I figured that what you and I had was something that you will never get again." I smile sadly. "So I settled on just feeling content. I told myself it didn’t matter that my heart didn’t speed up when she called my name. I told myself that it didn’t matter that we would go sometimes weeks without seeing each other. I told myself it was fine that I wasn’t attached to her. I told myself all these things because I knew deep inside me, you were the only one I would ever feel that with and I had lost you." I wipe the tear that is coming, the pounding of my heart in my chest is echoing. "I remember my father once telling me a story about how he knew my mother was the one. How he would get antsy if my mother wasn’t around. How just her being in the room would make him feel okay. How with just one little touch from her and he would settle. I knew that was what you should feel. I knew that because I felt it with you." I swallow the guilt. "But then I felt none of that and I thought it was because you only get one love your whole life, and I knew you were it." Now that I’m sitting here looking at her, talking to her, touching her, I know that there is going to be no one else for me. That she is it. She was always meant for me. We were always meant for each other.