addison
. . .
M y eyes close as soon as I hear him whisper the words, and a lone tear falls onto my pillow.
“Addison,” he says my name in a whisper, but this time there isn’t just one lone tear. Now the tears are streaming down my face. “I’m so sorry.”
Today has been, without a doubt, one of the best and also one of the hardest days.
“You don’t have to apologize.” I try to get my voice back to normal as I wipe the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“But I do.” His voice stays just as low as it was before. “I have so much to apologize for that I don’t think there is ever going to be enough time in the day.” He stops talking for a second. “I know this is not going to sound like it’s the truth.” His voice is higher now. “But I never had a one-night stand either.”
I laugh through my tears, making the sniffling less conspicuous. “You don’t have to say that.” I turn over in my bed, looking out the window I don’t have blinds on. Looking out into the dark night, I see the twinkling of stars in the sky.
“It’s the truth.” I hear rustling coming from his side of the phone, and I wonder if he’s hiding while he talks to me. “I’ve never thrown caution to the wind. You were the first time I didn’t think things through.”
I blink as I watch the stars in the sky. “Um, thanks.” I chuckle. “I think.” What does one say to that? Do I tell him he was the first time in my whole life I threw caution to the wind? Do I tell him the night with him is a night I think of every single time Avery does something new? Do I tell him I think about him every single time things get rough, and I don’t think I can do it or that I’m not doing a good enough job? Do I tell him all these things? Instead of telling him those things, I stay on the safe side. “I think we need to sit down and discuss how this is going to go.”
“I would like that,” he says, and I have to give it to him. Ever since he has found out about her, he has never wavered. He has never run away; he has stood there ready to embrace everything that comes with her.
“Can you meet me tomorrow at four?” I sit up in my bed, my heart speeding up, knowing over the next couple of days, some big changes will be coming my way. I just hope I can handle them. “I’ll get
Avery, and we can maybe go for ice cream or to the park.” I quickly change it, not wanting him to think I just randomly take her for ice cream instead of having her eat dinner first. This is uncharted territory for me to have to think about what he thinks about what I do with her.
“I’ll come and get you,” he quickly adds, not even bringing up the fact about the ice cream.
“It’s easier if you meet me,” I tell him, trying not to sound like I don’t want him picking us up. “I have the car seat and all of that.” I close my eyes as soon as I say it.
“Okay, do you want to go out and eat?” he asks me, and the pit of my stomach starts to burn.
“We are eating out on Saturday when we go to the fair,” I reply, knowing I really can’t afford to eat out twice in a week. I think we would survive, but there is a budget, and I stick to it.
“Okay,” he says, “I can ask Matty if I can make dinner here.” If he were in front of me, he would be able to see how my eyes just almost come out of my sockets.
I sit up in bed, flustered, thinking about him cooking in Matty and Sofia’s house. “How about you just come here for dinner?” I want to bite my tongue as soon as the words come out of my mouth. Why couldn’t I just leave it be that we would talk at the park? Why do you constantly have to say things you shouldn’t? my head yells at me.
I’m about to take it back and suggest we just talk while Avery plays when he says, “That would be amazing.”
I inwardly groan that he accepted my invitation. “But I have class at seven thirty,” I quickly add so he knows there is a time limit for this.
“Class?” he asks me. “What do you mean you have class?”
“Well, I’m trying to get my college degree,” I reply, and I don’t know why I feel a bit embarrassed even though I know I shouldn’t.
“But you were in college when we met?” I don’t know if he’s asking me the question or just remembering.
“I was but…” I let my voice trail off, trying to come up with words that won’t point the finger at the real reason I didn’t end up finishing. I don’t regret any of the choices I’ve made, especially when it comes to my life now. Things happened for a reason.