Sophie leaves me at last and goes to the front of the boat. “Come on, Henry,” she says—bossy, parental—and he follows happily. For the next ten minutes, she delivers a nonstop dissertation on pandas to Caleb while he drives, and then he cuts the motor and comes back to sit with me while the twins take turns pretending to steer the boat.
“Thanks for this,” I tell him. “Obviously, it’s the highlight of Henry’s year.”
“It’s kind of fun to have some company,” he says. “I’m happiest surfing, but this is a close second.”
I smile to myself. “I remember you guys with all the surfboards in the back of someone’s truck.”
“You sound like you did nothing but watch my life from the window.”
I laugh. “A bunch of hot, teenage surfers staying at the house next door to me? Find me one pre-teen girl who wouldn’t have been obsessed.”
His grin turns sly. “Obsessed, huh? This is getting interesting.”
I’m not about to let him know just how obsessed I was. “Why’d you move to the lake instead of the ocean if you’d rather surf?”
He hesitates. “I didn’t really buy this place for myself. My mom always pictured renovating and retiring here with my dad, hosting all the grandkids.” He gives me a half-hearted smile. “I guess she wanted your fairy-tale thing too. I’m trying to give her the house at least.”
“It’s not my fairy-tale thing. Everyone wants to matter to another person. Everyone wants someone to grow old with. It doesn’t have to include kids.”
He shakes his head, watching Sophie march toward us. “I don’t. Life’s a lot easier when you don’t matter to anyone at all.”
Before more can be said, Sophie appears in front of me.
“Swim time!” she announces.
My arms fold over my chest. Stripping down to a bikini in front of my boss was not part of the plan. “That was before you cajoled your way onto someone’s boat.”
Caleb laughs. “It’s okay. I like it out here.”
“Fine,” I say to Sophie with a sigh. “But you’ve got to keep the life jackets on because I’m not going in with you.”
“You said we didn’t have to!” Sophie cries. “And you put on your suit.”
“Go ahead,” says Caleb, who probably thinks I’m simply being polite. “Seriously. Just remember this the next time you start crafting some plan that’s going to cost me ten grand.”
“I’ll cancel the poetry center,” I reply, turning away from him to shimmy out of my clothes.
The twins jump in, and I follow. The water is freezing, but when my head reemerges to find them waiting for me, small limbs flailing as they propel themselves around, I can’t help but smile. Black storm clouds roll behind the mountain, but here on the lake, the sun beats on my face and my children are happy. No matter how many things I’ve messed up, I’ve created them and we’re all okay. Right now, it’s enough.
When I glance back at the boat, Caleb’s leaning against the rail, his gaze trained on the three of us as if he might have to jump in to save us in a second. I like it. I’d like to have someone watching over us all the time. Even when I was married, I felt like I was alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
We don’t stay out long. Within a few minutes, the twins’ lips are pinched and blue, and when I tell them it’s time to go, Sophie doesn’t even argue, which means she must be on the verge of hypothermia. They splash their way back to the boat and climb the ladder, with Caleb waiting to help them in before wrapping a towel around each of them in turn.
It's another of those moments that make me ache. The twins deserve to have more than just me in their lives. They deserve to have another parent who can care for them when I’m tired, when I’m busy, when I’m still climbing into the boat. If I’m going to find that person, I can’t keep waiting for some family-focused version of Caleb to appear. I need, as Molly said, to fuck a few frogs.
I grip the base of the ladder to follow them up, my foot slipping on the final rung. Caleb’s hands come under my arms, but when he hoists me in, I stumble, my whole body falling into his before I can right myself. He’s so firm, like a fucking statue. His smell—some combination of soap and salt—should be bottled.
And I’ve been noticing it all instead of pulling myself away like a normal person would. He’s staring at me wide-eyed, an animal in a trap. He steps away quickly, but not before I feel the hard press of his erection against my stomach.