“Everything before the ‘but’ is bullshit.”
I didn’t respond immediately. “I’m not ready to apologize without a ‘but’ yet.”
“Are you kidding me?”
“No. I need to say a few things before I can apologize. If you don’t want to listen, then we don’t have to talk yet.”
She was quiet so long I thought she might have hung up. “Fine. Talk.”
“Okay.” I picked up my list.
“Don’t tell me you made a list to talk to me.”
She knew me too well. “I did. I don’t want to mess up.”
“It’s me, Lily.”
“Yeah. I know. That’s why it’s important.” She didn’t respond. “Okay. I love you to death. I need to say that. I know you’re rolling your eyes right now, but I wanted to start with that. Number two: I didn’t actually think you’d mind the blog.”
“I—”
“Wait, please, let me finish, okay?” She stopped. “Number three: It really hurt my feelings when you said you wanted me to wear the minimizing bra to your wedding too. You’re my best friend, and I always thought you were the one person who loved me exactly as I was, and that sucked. A lot. Number four: I couldn’t believe you told me to re-dye my hair for your wedding. I don’t even want this stupid hair color, but why are you making me change how I look?” I took a deep breath.
“Can I talk now?”
“No. I have one more and it’s the big one.”
“Okay.”
“You killed me when you said I couldn’t date Alex.”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t—”
“You did though. You said I didn’t do relationships so I needed to not mess around with Tim’s friends. And that wasn’t fair. Because it wasn’t messing around with Alex. It was—well, it doesn’t matter now because he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But it was real.”
She was quiet. “Now can I respond?”
“Yeah.”
“Look at the Alex thing from my point of view for a minute. The night of my engagement party, you—”
“I know.”
“And then Alex went around telling everyone that you and he—”
“I know that too.”
“And then you said Alex was saying that because Justin was trying to sleep with you. And it just looked like you were creating a lot of drama for no reason.”
“I think I’m done creating drama for a while.”
“I think that blog says otherwise.”
“I deleted it. It’s gone.”
“Nothing is ever gone. That Buzzfeed post is still a thing.”
“It’s Buzzfeed, Megs. Name one Buzzfeed thing you remember from before this. Other than a quiz about which type of French fry you are.”
Neither of us said anything for a long time. “You don’t have to wear the bra. Or change your hair,” she said finally.
“Well I do have to wear the bra now, because the dress won’t fit if I don’t and it’s too late to get it re-tailored. But thank you. And I already have the appointment to re-dye my hair.”
“I actually kind of like it how it is. It’s subtle. And I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to do.”
“It’s not me though.”
There was another silence. We had never had an awkward pause in twenty-five years of friendship before this conversation.
“Do you want to be with Alex?”
“It’s a moot point now.”
“I’m not taking the blame for that. You did that yourself.”
“I know.” Pause. “I’m sorry, Megs.”
“No more ‘buts’？”
“No.”
“Okay then.”
“That’s all?”
“I’m still annoyed. That isn’t going to go away overnight. But you’re my best friend. What am I going to do? Kick you out of my wed—oh shit, are other people kicking you out of their weddings?”
“I don’t know. Amy isn’t. Sharon said she’s got to think about it. Caryn isn’t talking to me yet.”
“Isn’t Caryn’s this weekend?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s got to be flipping out right now. She’s so worried about appearances, and if she cuts you out, everyone will know why.”
“It would probably be a relief if she did. I wouldn’t have to face her coven of bridesmaids.”