I paused, taken aback. Of all the people to hit me with that truth bomb, she was the last one I would have expected. Which just showed how wrong I had been all along.
“Do you want me to drop out of the wedding?” I asked quietly. “I will if it’s what you want.”
She hesitated. “No. I want you to be my big sister and be happy for me, which you haven’t done yet.”
I felt my shoulders slump. She was right. Not once in this whole crazy year had I taken a moment to be happy that my little sister was happy. I said she was too young, and I said I didn’t think she would actually get as far as a wedding, let alone spending her life with someone, and I was snarky about much of it, even to her face. And if what she said earlier was true, about thinking everything came so easily to me—wow.
“You’re right. And I’m so sorry. I got so wrapped up in feeling like the victim because I was in so many weddings and am so much older and have no prospect of getting married anytime soon that I didn’t think about what was actually important.” She didn’t say anything. “You. Being happy. That’s what’s important. If that wasn’t clear. Because you’re my sister, and I love you, and—I—I—” Tears were flowing down my cheeks and I trailed off, unable to say more.
Amy let me cry for a couple of minutes, and I heard her sniffle. “I love you too. I still hate you right now, but I love you. Don’t you know how jealous I always was of you? You were off living this glamorous life and you didn’t need any guy to make you whole. I—I don’t know who I am if I’m not with someone. And that’s scary because I love Tyler so much and what if it doesn’t work out? You, at least, know how to be on your own.”
“Not entirely by choice,” I admitted quietly. “I want to find all of that. I just—can’t.”
“What about that Alex guy?”
“He—well, he saw the blog too.”
“And—？”
I sniffed hard, trying not to lose it completely. “No, that’s done now.”
“I’m sorry,” Amy said.
“Me too.”
“You know what could start making it up to me?”
“What?”
“Let me be there when you explain this to Grandma. I’m dying to know what she says about the sleeping-with-that-other-groomsman thing after the post you did about her at Jake’s wedding.”
I laughed through my tears. “Okay.”
“I’m not serious—well, a little. Just tell me what she says.”
“I will.”
“Lily?”
“Yeah?”
“It was good. I mean, not the parts where you made fun of me. But the writing was really good.”
I thanked her and got off the phone before I started to cry in earnest again. I wasn’t even sure which part I was crying over anymore, but I cried harder than I had after telling Alex I couldn’t be with him.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I tried calling Caryn, but she sent me to voicemail each time. Eventually, I left her a message. “It’s Lily. Please call me back. I want to apologize and figure out how to make this right. I—I’m really sorry. Please call me.”
If she didn’t call back, I didn’t know how I was going to face her at work on Tuesday. And it didn’t help not knowing if it would be my last day. I had spent ten years at the foundation; my résumé was pretty dusty.
I looked at Megan’s name on my list and considered letting her jump the line. She should be one of the easier calls, but I hesitated. I wasn’t ready to talk to her. Was I in the wrong? Absolutely. But I had also just made a huge sacrifice for her, bigger than any I had ever made in my life. And the fact that none of her messages acknowledged that beyond saying she was glad that I hadn’t slept with Alex—did she even read the post? It was never about sleeping with him. I mean, yes, that probably would have happened if I hadn’t said no, but this wasn’t a hookup.
I felt terrible about hurting her, but I also felt terrible that she didn’t realize she had hurt me. And I couldn’t talk to her until I could make the conversation not be about me losing one of the most important people in my life because I was trying to do right by her. Which I couldn’t do yet.
No. It was better to go in order. It was time to call Sharon. With the exception of saying she needed to be brave enough to stand up to her mom, I didn’t think my posts about her were that bad. I mean, I was saying what she wished she had the courage to say to her mother. But her tear-filled voicemail told me that her mother was going to make her life miserable over this, and that was my fault.