Denise’s short life had meaning. She helped to fuse the parts of me with jagged edges, pieces that ergonomically should not fit together but somehow do. It was an alignment, a relief from pain that would have been chronic, and it was Denise’s lasting gift to me.
* * *
The sky is brushed pink and lavender as we pack up, roll our heads on our stiff necks, and head back down the hillside, pants ruined at the knees.
The hope is that when we come back in the fall, one of the ferns will flag Ruth’s final resting place. But I can do better than hope. I have faith, because nature is the very best example of integration. Things grow differently when they’re damaged, showing us how to occupy strange new ground to bloom red instead of green. We can be found, brighter than before.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
First and foremost, my profound gratitude to Kathy Kleiner for responding to my email in 2019 and generously sharing your story. I am blown away by your indomitable spirit, courage, and mostly, your capacity for joy. From one survivor to another, I see you, and you inspire me.
Thank you, Pauline Boss, a pioneer whom I have never met but whose book The Myth of Closure served as inspiration for Tina’s work with “complicated grief.” To anyone going through a hard time or struggling with past or generational trauma, I highly recommend this small but mighty read, which helped me find meaning in something I’d long considered meaningless and gave me a newfound sense of agency in my life.
Thank you, Marysue Rucci, my incomparable editor, who pushed me to the point of （nearly!） breaking. This book needed it, and so did I. Everything I write from here on out will be better because of the standard you held me to on this one.
Alyssa Reuben—friend, confidante, and extraordinary literary agent—I would not have this life without you. Thank you for the nudges, the gentle and the not-so-gentle ones, and for always telling it like it is so that when you tell me something good, I know I can believe you.
To the whole team at Marysue Rucci Books: Jessica Preeg, Richard Rhorer, Andy Jiaming Tang—thank you for the friendship and the support. Elizabeth Breeden, thank you for being you. I would follow you into a fire.
Bruna Papandrea, Erik Feig, Jeanne Snow, Casey Haver, Julia Hammer, Samie Kim Falvey—thank you for getting the band back together on this one. Let’s make something great.
Big thanks to Alice Gammill, my Pamela Schumacher-esque assistant, who dots every i and crosses every t, loves on my big fat bulldog like a second mother, and who procured hundreds of pages of transcripts and case files from the Florida Archives at the height of the pandemic—a painstaking and nearly impossible task that you never gave up on. I could not have told this story without you.
Michelle Weiner, Joe Mann, Cait Hoyt, and Olivia Blaustein, thank you for the wise advice, the nimble negotiating, and for continuing to make all my Hollywood dreams come true.
Christine Cuddy, you make sure all our bases are covered always. With you I have the security to be creative—thank you.
The team at Sunshine Sachs: Kimberly Christman, Keleigh Thomas Morgan, and Hannah Edelman. You three are worth every penny. Grateful for what you see in me.
Briana Dunning is the most talented hair stylist in Los Angeles and I have to thank her not only for a killer cut but for all her native Floridian wisdom. She is the one who taught me the saying that in Florida, the further north you go, the more southern it gets, which helped orient my understanding of the Panhandle. And to my Seattle shepherd, Bethany Heitman, thank you for dispelling me of the notion that Seattle is the rainiest city in the country just before the pages went to press.
Thank you to Tori Telfer, whose powerful 2019 profile of Kathy Kleiner in Rolling Stone got some of the wheels turning in my head, and who didn’t hesitate to share resources when I cold-emailed her. You remind me of how lucky I am to be a part of this writing community.
On the subject of luck, I have a bit of it thanks to you, the reader. Thank you for preordering, purchasing, reserving at your local library, and for your messages and Instagram tags. Without you, there is no this. I hope number three was worth the wait.