“Anyway, we got a call one night. There’d been gunshots in one of the worst parts of the city. When we got there”—he paused and cleared his throat again—“it was Alex. He was bleeding out on the street. Before he died, he asked me to get his mom out.” Jake spoke quickly, as though expelling the memory might somehow absolve him of it.
“From that second I vowed I would do whatever it took. I couldn’t fix it all, but I could do that. So, I bought an old car, and when I knew Tony would be gone, I gave her the keys and a few thousand bucks cash to get her and Adam as far away as possible.”
“Did they?” Sadie asked with a quick intake of breath.
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “I hope so. I think so. It was a rough area. There were drugs and violence and prostitution, and then the people who were just stuck there among it all because they didn’t have an opportunity to get out. There were good people there, you know? Some of the house fires turned out to be drug dens or meth labs. A lot of the calls were incredibly depressing. Every time we went out, I was looking over my shoulder, waiting for Tony, wondering if he knew I’d helped his wife escape.
“And bringing a kid into that? My kid? I would never let them be collateral. I knew I had to leave the city, and being with Bethany is the only way I’ll be able to be in the baby’s life. She’s—I think if I broke it off with her, she’d move back to the city in a heartbeat, and I’m terrified she’d try to cut me out.”
“You think she’d deprive her child of knowing their father?” She didn’t know why she was asking. It was too late for that.
“Bethany—she’s great. But when she loves someone, it’s like they’re not allowed to love anyone else. And if I hurt her like that … I can’t risk it. So, I cashed in on my sick time, and here I am. I couldn’t handle being in that city anymore. I couldn’t take the stress, the heartbreak, the paranoia of always looking out for Tony or someone from his gang.”
He looked at her. “When Bethany asked me if there was a place I could go where I felt safe … I didn’t think of Poppy Meadows. I thought of you. You’d always been my safe place. The person I could tell anything to, go through anything with. Once I started thinking about you, I couldn’t stop. I figured we could start over, be friends at least. That I’d be happy if I could just be near you. But I knew the moment I saw you again that it would never be enough. I know that’s not fair to you. And I’m sorry, Sadie. I’m sorry I’m so screwed up.”
They were words she’d been longing to hear. The words her heart had been yearning to hear for a decade. He’d given her the vulnerability she’d been longing for. Forged a new bond between them. And it was all pointless.
She wondered if he loved her. But did it matter? When Jake decided on something, there was no one and nothing that could change his mind.
“I have to go,” she told him. She needed out. Away from him.
“Sadie,” he said, and his voice was broken. But when she walked away, he didn’t stop her.
On the short drive home, the steering wheel was colder than a glacier. She thought she’d be crying, but the tears seemed to have frozen inside her. Her shoulders were tense, hunched, from her trying to hold herself together.
As she stepped out of her beat-up old Subaru in the driveway, the overpowering scent of crushed rosemary reached her, sending a shiver down her spine. She followed the smell to the side gate and nearly collapsed against the post. The line of salt and pennyroyal oil, meant to keep unwanted guests out, had been scattered like ashes.
“No, no, no, this can’t be happening,” she breathed. Everywhere she looked, devastation reigned. The garden had been destroyed. Tomato vines were uprooted, and the lavender bushes looked as though they’d been steamrolled. Herbs and vegetables were scattered everywhere. Bruised peaches lay all over the garden, as though the tree had tried to defend its family by pelting the infiltrator with its fruit.
Sadie walked to the once neat rows on weak legs. It was as though the lifeblood of the garden, having been broken, was leeching the energy from Sadie herself.
“It’s okay,” she said, sagging to her knees. “I can make this right. I’ll fix it. You’ll be fine.” She sunk her hands into the earth, filling her palms with dirt as her chest tightened. It was all too much.
She couldn’t draw a deep breath. Her blood vessels were closing off in revolt. Her vision narrowed until her skin went numb. With a cry she dragged her fingernails through the dirt, filling her palms and then beating them against the ground.