It took me a moment to understand what he was talking about.
A hole opened up in my stomach. “Why not? I did kill two men. Violently.” As much as I’d hoped the guard on the bridge had been rescued the way I had, it was unlikely he’d survived the freezing river.
He rubbed at his jaw. His hand made a rough sound as it scraped against stubble. “Because you’re a survivor. It’s not fair for me to tell you to fight as if your life depends on it and then verbally flay you for it when you do.”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I see their faces. Every night when I try to sleep. I wake from dreams—”
Enough. That was enough.
Lorian turned until he was facing me. I kept my gaze on the river.
“It won’t last forever,” he said. “The first few times you kill, the guilt consumes you. Even if the kill was justified.”
“And then what happens?” I whispered.
His expression turned cold. “And then you become numb to it. It’s an animal instinct. Either they die, or you do.”
“I don’t want it to become easy. I don’t want to become a monster.”
Like you.
I didn’t say it. Didn’t even think it. But from the way Lorian stiffened, that was what he’d heard.
He moved. Turning, I grabbed his hand. I didn’t have a hope of pulling him back down, but he went still.
“Thank you. For teaching me. I want…I need to survive. For my brother.”
We were all each other had. Thanks to me, Tibris had just lost Mama. I would fight to find him again. Even if he couldn’t forgive me.
Lorian studied my face. “Don’t survive for anyone else. Survive for yourself. Survive because the thought of not surviving, the thought of letting those who would hurt you win, is so repulsive, you can’t stand it. Survive because you deserve to survive.”
I thought about that. After a long moment, I nodded. He angled his head.
“Time for another lesson.”
“I don’t think so.”
“I do. And I’m bigger than you.”
Standing, I leaned closer until I was right in his personal space. “I’ve killed two men since Galon saved me, remember? Just looking at you makes me murderous. So don’t make me try for a third.”
Had his eyes just dropped to my lips? Awareness shot through me, even as I stepped back. His huge hand closed around my upper arm.
“As cute as your little death threats are, right now, you have no way to back them up. You want me to fear you? Learn how to freeze me in place. Because that’s the only chance you have of taking me down. And we both know it.”
He was right. That didn’t make it any easier to accept.
Lorian’s green eyes gleamed as he angled his head. A lock of his dark hair fell over his forehead, and for a wild moment, I had to clench my hand into a fist so I wouldn’t do something stupid like brush it back.
He’d probably rip my hand off the wrist if I attempted such a thing.
One dark eyebrow quirked. “What are you thinking about?”
“My power.”
His gaze turned intent. But if he knew I was lying, he chose to ignore it.
“You used your power last night. It saved your life. But we can’t rely on your instincts reaching for that power when we get to the city.”
He dropped his gaze to my throat, and his expression hardened. Then his face went blank. That expressionless mask had never boded well for me before.
“Take your mind back to the moment you realized that man was going to kill you.”
I didn’t want to. But I tried.
“Close your eyes,” Lorian said softly.
The clearing was so very quiet. I had a feeling Rythos and the others had disappeared for a while so I could focus. I could feel Lorian’s eyes on me. Could feel his expectation.
“You’re not remembering it,” Lorian murmured.
My eyes flew open. He’d taken another step closer when I wasn’t looking. A strange kind of anticipation turned my skin hot and my belly tight.
“Close them,” he said.
I sucked in a breath, tense and annoyed for reasons I couldn’t explain. But I closed my eyes again and forced myself to think about the bearded man and the rope in his hand.
“Good,” Lorian said when I shuddered. “Now keep that image in your mind.”
I opened my eyes to see a small stone flying at me. The bastard had backed up a few steps again.
“We’re back to this?”
“You need to feel fear in order to use your power. Visualize the man who tried to kill you.”