“Can’t see,” I choked out, panic battling the exhaustion that had swept through my body.
I felt him take a deep breath. “Flameout. That shouldn’t be happening. You have much more power than you’re using.”
It didn’t feel like I had more power available to me. But his unconcerned tone helped dull the edges of my terror. My hearing seemed to sharpen, and I focused on the sound of the horses, on the low murmurs of the other men, and the thumping of my own heart.
We rode in silence as my vision gradually returned. First, sunlight appeared around the edges, and then blurry shapes began to take form. I let out a shuddering breath.
“I’d thought it was fear that would help you unlock your power,” Lorian said eventually. I wished he wouldn’t murmur in my ear like that. It was far too intimate. Not to mention, my head was pounding.
“It wasn’t, though, was it?” he asked when I didn’t reply. “It was anger. The reason you were flaming out at the end was because you allowed the fear in.”
I considered that, but my brain was still foggy, my thoughts distant. When I’d let myself channel my fury, my power had been easy to grasp. But the longer I’d held time, the more my mind had focused on what would happen if I failed. If I lost hold of that thread and we were caught.
“You’re saying I should use my rage?”
Mama had always said I needed to control my anger. That focusing on the way the gods had messed with my life would only make that life harder.
“I’m saying your emotions may help you find your power, but they won’t help you keep it. You need to dig deeper. Follow the thread into the center of that power and memorize it, until you can pull it free with just a thought.”
I considered that as we rode for the rest of the day. The notion that I’d be able to reach for my power that easily was thrilling. The possibility burrowed into my mind and stayed there, as I imagined myself freezing time easily, without a thought.
The mercenaries had left the main road at the first opportunity, and we were once more traveling through the forest. Around me, a thousand shades of green and brown blurred together.
Despite the danger, a dull pride wormed its way through my chest. We’d escaped certain death in that town. I had done that. If I could do that, I could get us through the city gates. And from there, I could find a way to free Asinia.
Asinia.
When Papa died, I’d lain next to him for hours. When his body was taken away, I’d crawled into my bed and stayed there for days, unable to move. Asinia lay with me, her arms wrapped around me. She didn’t say a word, just let me know she was there. When I cried, it was in her arms. When my stomach growled, she made me eat.
The hole inside me—the one that had been created when I’d fled my village, when I’d left my family behind…
That hole had deepened with the realization that my mother was dead. And now, knowing Asinia would die on Gods Day—all because of me…
That hole turned into an abyss that could never be filled.
Gods Day happened on the full moon closest to the anniversary of the first Taking. If you were unlucky enough to be arrested just days after the prison was emptied, you’d have an entire year to rot in the king’s dungeon and picture yourself burning.
The next full moon was just days away. The full moon after that… I had a little over a month to come up with a way to free Asinia before she was burned.
“I’m sorry about your friend,” Lorian rumbled behind me. He said it as if she were already dead, and I tensed.
“She’s going to be okay.”
He went silent, his disbelief evident.
That was fine. He didn’t know Asinia. And he also didn’t know me. I barely knew me. But I knew there was no way I was allowing Asinia to be burned alive. Even if it meant the gods punished us both when we died.
Finally, Lorian found a clearing that pleased him, and we stopped for the day. The mercenaries seemed to realize I needed to think, because they let me sit in silence.
I’d used my power today. For longer than I could’ve imagined. Lorian had said it was like a muscle that needed to be trained. In that case, I would train every day, as often as I could. Because with that power, I had a chance I could save Asinia’s life.
Eventually, I got up to wash. Marth and Lorian were sitting by the river.
“Why didn’t we take the back gate?” Marth complained.
My gaze snapped to Lorian’s. I let him see just how badly I wanted to hurt him.
Marth seemed to realize he’d said something he shouldn’t have, because he winced, glancing away.