“Okay.” He shifts and twists his cup on the table. “So I clearly didn’t know your coffee order.”
“It’s not just that,” I say. “It’s that I don’t think you knew much about me at all. And I’m not sure I knew a whole lot about you either.”
He nods. “I think you’re right, and I’m probably to blame for that.” He sighs. “I’m seeing that I’ve been so hell-bent on making something of myself and checking off all the boxes of what I need to do to get there that I don’t think I’ve actually been living.” He lifts his eyes to mine and says, “That day, when you walked away at the bakery, I wasn’t even mad. I knew it was going to happen. I could feel the tension between us, I could feel you slipping away, and I knew there was no one to blame but myself.”
“I should have tried harder too,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I know you, Lia. You’re just trying to be nice right now, but please, the blame deserves to be placed on me. I drove you away. I became uninterested. I wasn’t . . . hell, I wasn’t even fully in this relationship when I proposed. I just did it because my mother was pressuring me. It wasn’t right for you, and it wasn’t right for me.”
“Would you have gone through with it if I hadn’t called it off?” I ask.
He nods. “Yes. I would have, and I would have only made you more and more miserable because no way would I have ended it. I would have kept it going until you probably wouldn’t have been able to take it anymore.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because my parents have made it impossible to please them. Status is so important to them that I would have done anything to maintain that.”
“I can understand that. I probably would have done anything to make my parents happy, and I think that’s why I went out with you too. They never wanted me to be alone. When I went to college, they were so scared that I didn’t have anyone to lean on, like a sibling, so when I met Breaker, they were relieved. They knew he would always be by my side. When they passed shortly before I met you, I think I was trying to let them know that I’d be okay, if that makes sense.”
“It really does,” he says. He stares down at his coffee and asks, “Did you ever love me?”
I reach across the table and place my hand on his. “Of course, Brian,” I say softly. “I loved you for so many reasons, I just don’t think you and I were in love at the end. I think we were just going through the motions.”
“We were, and I’m sorry about that.”
“Don’t be,” I say. “I think I’d have been madder if you’d put in the effort, even though it was all a lie.”
“My love for you wasn’t a lie, Lia.”
“I’m sorry, I said that wrong. I guess your intentions were a lie.”
He glances out the window and sighs. “You know, if things were different, if I didn’t have to live with this pressure, and I could be the man I truly am for you, the one you first met, I think we could have had a great life together.”
“We probably could have,” I say because Brian was fun at one point, but his competitive side—his workaholic nature—got the best of him.
He leans back in his chair and says, “Well, fuck.” His eyes connect with mine. “Are you happy, Lia? With Breaker . . . does he make you happy?”
I can’t hold back the smile that crosses my lips. “Yes, I’m thrilled. It still doesn’t feel real, but I’m happy.”
“I’m glad. He’s a good man, even though it might have seemed like we didn’t get along. You two always had a special connection that I was very jealous of, and I’m sure that didn’t help our case.”
“It was hard hanging out with both of you, but that doesn’t matter anymore.” When he looks away, I ask, “Brian?”
“Hmm?”
“Are you going to allow yourself to be happy? Or are you always going to look for what’s next in your career? What you can do to make your mother happy?”
“I’d like to say I’ll find happiness one day, but I’m not sure.” His eyes connect with mine. “My brain is wired differently. I have this internal need to please and to accomplish, and if I’m not doing one of those things every day, I feel itchy, out of control, like my life is falling apart. I’m not sure happiness can fall within those parameters.”
“I know this isn’t my place, but it might be helpful for you to talk to someone, a therapist, to help you work through those feelings. And maybe, to become stronger in yourself. I was so hurt when you didn’t stand up for me in front of your mother, and on behalf of your future Mrs. Brian, can I urge you to learn how to do that?”