“Maybe that’s why it worked. Besides, he didn’t really leave me much of a choice. He invaded my life and wasn’t budging no matter how much I pushed him away…well, that is, until now.”
“What’s wrong?” Glyn pulls away, frowning. “Please tell me it’s not because of Lan.”
“They fought the other night, right?” Cecily winces. “Jeremy said Nikolai hasn’t been himself this past week.”
“It’s not Lan, it’s me. He didn’t like the fact that I was hesitant.”
“But this whole thing is new for you, Bran. It’s okay to take your time.” Glyn rubs my shoulder.
“Not if it means I could lose him. I think I hurt him whenever I do that, because he believes I’m ashamed of him.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not,” I blurt out quickly. “I just… I can’t help thinking about all the other factors, namely Lan.”
“Ugh. Seriously, you need to get over your fixation on Lan’s reaction to everything you do. I love you, Bran, I really do, but you give him so much leeway for all the shit he does.” Glyn sighs. “He doesn’t even care.”
She’s wrong. Or maybe I’m also holding on to another myth that was never true.
But seriously, what does it mean if I’m more worried about Lan’s reaction than my damn parents’？
Not that I’m not concerned about Mum and Dad—I get a queasy feeling just thinking about that conversation, but Lan…
I can feel my stomach dipping when I imagine the haughty, disappointed expression he often gives my art.
He’s always been perfect, and his disapproval gives me fucking nightmares.
“I mean, not to be the devil’s advocate.” Cecily grimaces. “But nothing good will happen if Lan knows about Nikolai. That’ll be like when he learned about Killian and Glyn all over again.”
“That’s what I said.” I rub my face. “Nikolai doesn’t seem to agree. I really don’t want them to fight again.”
“You’re right…” Glyn’s shoulders droop. “It won’t be pretty.”
“You bitches!” A loud voice comes through and we all groan as Remi slides to our table, dragging Ava behind him. “I can’t believe you’re having afternoon tea without my lordship. If I hadn’t seen Glyn’s story, I would’ve been none the wiser. And then I find this one lurking in the house like a thief. You bitches will be the death of me, seriously.”
“I’m not a thief, I was just looking for Bran.” Ava kisses my cheek. “Hi, Bran.”
“Hey.”
Ava sits beside Cecily and hugs her. “Missed you, bestie.”
Cecily rubs her arm. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” She smooches her cheek.
Remi pulls up a chair and invades the space between me and Cecily, and they fight about who gets to sit beside me.
Since I’m the most levelheaded of the group, they always want to be with me. I often get texts like, It’s boring without you, Bran.
Even though I’m not a clown like Remi or hyper like Ava, I have a special place in the group.
Why did I ever feel like I’d be judged by my closest friends? My intimate circle of support?
No, it’s not them I was scared of. It’s me. It’s always my-fucking-self.
I’m my own worst enemy.
“So what were you talking about before my lordship’s spectacular arrival?” Remi steals Glyn’s macarons and Cecily’s tea.
“Nothing.” Cecily winks at me.
I shake my head at her and take a deep breath. “Remi, Ava. I want to tell you something.”
Though I’m joined by Cecily and Glyn, my movements are stiff at best as we walk into the Heathens’ mansion.
My sister and my friend have been here countless times, considering their boyfriends, but that’s not the case for me.
I remain in my element as we push past the partygoers. The Heathens went all out with this birthday party. Countless lights cover the ceiling, casting violet and blue lights on the people jumping to the trendy music.
Alcohol is thrown around everywhere and I would really like to be wasted for this, but that’s just cowardly, so I stop myself from snatching a drink.
I catch a glimpse of Maya, who’s wearing a glamorous white dress, dancing with a group of people in bizarre outfits. But I don’t see Mia.
A few weeks ago, Mia introduced me to Maya, and she’s nice, but I prefer Mia’s company. We’re both introverts and get along without talking much.