“Will you hold me?” Autumn asks, and it is honestly the greatest idea I have ever heard. I slide over, and she’s quick to wipe her eyes and rest her head on my shoulder. I wrap my arms around her, and it is glorious.
“Like this?” I hold her gently but tightly.
“Yeah,” she says, and I’m never going to move again.
I breathe in the scent of her hair and feel light-headed.
I’ve never known euphoria like this.
A choir of birds is singing a tribute to this beautiful new day, to her body, to my joy. In the morning light, I can see the shadows of her eyelashes on her cheeks, the swell of her hip under my blanket.
I’m so happy that I could die.
“I can’t believe that just happened,” I hear myself say. My eyes start to involuntarily close, and I’m glad when she speaks to help me stay awake.
“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?” she asks.
“Of course I did.” I’m so tired and so happy that I don’t think about what a silly question it is. I shift slightly beneath her to savor our skins against each other before we drift off. My eyes have closed completely when she continues.
“You weren’t just saying that because it’s what the guy is supposed to say?”
My eyes are still shut, and I’m thinking, What guy? when I realize she means me. I’m the guy. The guy who was supposed to say— My eyes open.
Is she pretending to not know?
Fully awake now, I replay her question in my brain.
She is pretending to not know.
Why is she doing that?
I roll out from under her and sit up on my elbow. I need to see her face.
“Come on, Autumn,” I say. “I know that you know I’ve been in love with you for forever. You don’t have to pretend.” Whatever she wants from me after this, my one rule is nothing left unsaid between us.
“What?” she says.
It’s very convincing, but I know how good of an actress she can be.
“It’s okay.” I sigh. I can’t help but feel a little exasperated even now. “I’ve always known that you knew.”
But Autumn’s getting upset. She sits up and pulls the covers around her protectively. She frowns at me. The birds are still singing.
Why is Autumn upset that I knew that she knew I loved her? I’m not mad at her for knowing it.
At least not now. I’d forgotten about my reaction to her novel last night.
“What do you mean by ‘forever’？” Autumn asks.
“You know,” I say. “Forever. Since we were like what, eleven?”
“Fifth grade? The year you punched Donnie Banks?”
There. She knows what I’m talking about.
“Yeah. You remember what Donnie Banks said?”
“He called me a freak.”
“He said, ‘Your girlfriend is a freak,’ and he knew that you didn’t want to be my girlfriend and that I did.” Because everyone knew that. Everyone. Including Autumn.
Right?
“You liked me like that back then?” Her confusion is real. But if she didn’t know in elementary school, what happened to us?
I sit up all the way. I need to think clearly.
“But isn’t that why you stopped hanging out with me in middle school? Because you got tired of me wanting to be more than just friends?” That’s what happened. I was there.
“No,” Autumn says. “I had no idea you wanted anything like that.”
It’s the truth. Somehow, some way, she hadn’t known.
“But after I kissed you, you knew?” Because Autumn knows I love her. I read her novel. It was there.
“No,” Autumn says. “I didn’t know why you had kissed me, and it freaked me out. I thought maybe you were experimenting on me.”
Experimenting on her? Am I hallucinating after all? My gaze wanders briefly around my bedroom. Everything else seems normal.
If Autumn didn’t know that I loved her in elementary school or in middle school—no. No. She had to have known.
“But this doesn’t make any sense,” I tell her. “If you didn’t know, then why did you leave me?”
She drops her eyes. Is this it? Have I caught her in a lie? My stomach twists. I’ll love her even if she turns out to be cruel. That’s my curse.
“It just felt so nice not to be the weird girl anymore,” Autumn says. “I liked being popular. We did kinda grow apart that year.”
She’s blushing with embarrassment, and I feel my mouth hanging open.
“I’m not saying it’s not my fault. I’m just saying I didn’t mean for it to happen.”