I hope Sylvie sees how capable she is, how smart and resilient. I hope she can feel good about herself for her own reasons, not for how other people think of her. Sylvie could be anything she wants if she just stops caring what the wrong people think about her.
I’m one of those people, and I hope I’m not going to ruin whatever progress this summer gave her.
Jack enters the room. I close my eyes. Though my penis remains somewhat optimistic, the blankets provide cover. I should move, wake Autumn, pretend my arm was never around her, but I can’t bear to yet.
I hear the flap of the blanket tent flutter. Jack sighs. He says the same thing he told me the night I trusted Sylvie to sober drive for us and I had to drunkenly call him for a ride.
“We both should have expected this, you know,” Jack mumbles.
He drops the blanket and it sounds like he goes to the couch, but I’m paying less attention to him now.
Autumn won’t be asleep for much longer. She twitches occasionally, moving her face in reaction to things I cannot see. She makes a soft noise, the sort of noise I wish I could be responsible for while she is awake and consenting. And with that thought, I lift my arm and shift away from her. She frowns at the loss of heat, and I pause, waiting for her to stir. She whimpers and curls into a tighter ball.
I allow myself the brief luxury of gazing at her face.
It is cosmically unfair how beautiful Autumn is. It puts me at such a disadvantage. Her brilliant, goofy brain was already enough. Why must she have a perfect face too?
I never stood a chance.
Even before she grew breasts.
I need to stop this train of thought.
Might as well get this over with then.
Jack is typing on his phone at the end of the couch. He doesn’t speak until I sit down.
“Finn, man—”
“I know,” I say.
He flips his phone closed.
“No. You’re in way over your head. You have no idea.”
“I have an idea.”
He stares at me.
“I know what I’m doing,” I try.
“What are you doing? And what about her?” Jack nods toward the tent. Even though we’re talking low, he starts to whisper. “She would have to be the stupidest person on earth to not know you’re bonkers in love with her.”
“She’s not stupid. She just doesn’t know how much I”—I can’t bear to say the word—“care about her. She thinks it’s an old crush.”
I get that stare from him again, but I don’t know what he wants me to say. Autumn doesn’t flirt with me. She doesn’t make suggestive jokes or give me any false reason to hope. Not when she’s awake.
I’m the problem. My heart gets confused when she looks at me with affection that’s only natural given our history.
“Finn,” Jack says, “look at it this way. I’m not like you. I wasn’t raised in a house where people talked about feelings and stuff. This is hard for me, and I’m doing it anyway. Again.”
Again.
It’s true.
“You’re a good friend,” I say. “And thanks. But she needs me. She’s in a weird place with her other friends.”
“She was laughing with you all night,” Jack says, like he’s trying to nail each word into my head.
“She was drunk, and besides, she’s—” I realize what I’m about to say, but it’s out of my mouth before I can hold it back. “—like Sylvie. She’s disturbingly good at hiding how much pain she’s in.”
Jack groans and rubs his face. He says something I don’t quite hear, but it ends with the word “type.” Autumn makes a noise in the tent, and we both hold our breaths and listen.
Silence.
“Since you brought up Sylvie,” he whispers. “Yeah, I complain about her, but she’s my friend too, and I—”
“I know. I’m going to—”
Autumn makes a noise.
“She’s about to wake up,” I tell him.
Jack sighs. He’s right about me when it comes to Autumn, and he knows that I know that he’s right.
Jack and I can both see what happens next. Autumn and I will go off to Springfield. We’ll make friends, probably mutual this time, but eventually, Autumn is going to meet someone she likes, someone who has whatever made her want to be with Jamie. And I am going to be more than devastated. I will be obliterated. Jack and I are close enough that it kinda makes this his problem too. But I can’t give up what I have with Autumn, and when she does meet that guy, I’m going to make sure he’s supporting her, not treating her like a troublesome but valuable acquisition. Or a sidekick. Or a punch line.