I didn’t see her on the porch, but there’s a glass of ice water on the railing.
I’m almost finished with the front yard, so I wrap up the last bit, then make my way over. I drink until the ice clinks empty at the bottom. I knock on the doorframe and call her name softly. When there’s no answer, I ring the bell.
“What?” she says when she finally answers.
I’m so surprised by her anger that I take a step back.
“Hi. Thanks?” I say, holding out the glass.
Autumn looks terrible, skeletal. She breathes deeply before answering, as if there is a massive weight strapped to her chest.
“I was pretending it was Finny mowing,” she says, as if this should have been obvious to me. “And now you’ve ruined it.”
“Oh,” I say, because there is nothing else to say.
She snatches the glass from my hand. “It’s fine.” She laughs a laugh that is not a laugh. “It only helped a little bit.” She closes the door behind her.
I think about knocking again, trying to have more of a conversation, or seeing if Angelina is home and telling her that I don’t think Autumn is okay. But I don’t. Even though I know Finn would have been worried about her.
I walk off the porch, pack up the mower, and go home. I watch the game with Dad, and Mom sticks around to eat tacos with us.
When Autumn crosses my mind again, I push away the thought the way I push away fantasies of Finn being alive. I don’t have room in my head for her grief and my own.
I drive back to school the next day.
I don’t do what Finn would have wanted me to do.
seventeen
Did you hear about Autumn?
I stare at the first text I’ve had from Sylvie since I’d texted her during my run a few weeks ago. I’m between classes, and I have a tight window to walk across campus, but I’ve stopped in my tracks on the sidewalk. Someone calls me an asshole as he bumps my shoulder, but I ignore him and type while the crowd moves around me.
Hear what?
Sylvie knew that Finn cheated on her, right? Was I wrong to assume that he would’ve told her? Is she only figuring this out now?
She tried to kill herself.
Another guy bumps into me in protest of my roadblock.
“Excuse me,” a girl says.
It’s the first cool fall day. The sky is blue, and everyone is wearing light jackets. It’s been almost a week since I mowed Finn’s lawn.
I think about asking Sylvie if she’s sure, but that would be a question for Alexis, not Sylvie. If Sylvie says it’s true, it almost certainly is.
I don’t need to ask why.
And it doesn’t matter how.
She’s alive, thank goodness.
Still, the need to find out more nags me. There’s no more rush of folks to class, just casual walkers wandering the campus who sidestep me. No matter what, I’m going to be late. If I hurry, I might be able to slip in the back unnoticed. But class can wait.
Sylvie answers on the first ring.
“Hello, Jack,” she says, as if I hadn’t asked her why she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt in our last exchange.
“Hi,” I say. “What happened with Autumn?”
“She tried to kill herself. She survived, but she’s in the hospital.” She sighs. “Taylor told me. I don’t even know how she found out. She thought I’d be happy.”
“Gross,” I say.
“Yeah.”
“But Autumn’s okay?”
“I doubt she’s okay, Jack,” Sylvie says. “But she is alive.”
We’re both silent for a moment. The wind picks up. I watch the leaves rustling. One lonely cloud wanders by.
“I should have said something,” I say. “I saw Autumn last week, and I could tell she wasn’t okay.”
Sylvie snorts. “I don’t know if I’m okay either,” she says. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I answer. “But I knew Autumn wasn’t.” I take a deep breath. “Maybe we’re on our way to being okay. When I saw Autumn, I could tell she wasn’t on her way. I should have said something to Angelina or her mom.”
I hear Sylvie breathing. I’m still watching the leaves in the wind. All the trees are starting to turn color.
“Why does it bother me so much?” Sylvie asks. “That she did that? Sure, I’m not a monster like Taylor thought, but why do I care so fucking much about whether Autumn Davis lives or dies?”
“Because Finn would want her to live.”
“Yeah,” Sylvie whispers. And then, “What if she tries it again? Statistically, there’s a good chance of that.”