Angie tells me that Brooke and Noah had a harder time with their planned breakup than expected, but last Angie heard, they were both glad they went through with it. We laugh about Noah joining a frat. Brooke had a big date for Halloween, but Angie never heard how it went.
“Sasha told me that you never answered her or Jamie’s emails or texts or anything,” Angie says. “So I don’t know if you want to know how they’re doing?”
“Oh.” I shrug. “I kinda want to hear. Not wanting to hear from them isn’t the same as not wanting to hear about them. When I say that I don’t forgive them, I mean I don’t want them in my life anymore, not that I wish them ill.”
“Last I heard, they were fine, still together.” She adds, “But that’s easy in a new place where you only know each other.”
I prod deep for any hurt, and there is none.
Except for the memories of the time after they cheated, that final spring in high school.
If I had known.
If I had only known.
Things would have been different.
That place still hurts.
That place can’t forgive.
For a long time, I imagined a scenario where I found out Jamie had cheated on me with Sasha, and we broke up and Finny and I got together, and the whole trajectory of our lives would have been different. I can’t even predict where we would be now if we had known we were in love last spring.
“Autumn?” Angie asks. “Are you okay?”
“Sorry,” I say. “I was in my head.”
“You looked sad.”
“I was wishing I had known they slept together when it happened instead of weeks later, because maybe Finn and I…” I shrug once more. “It’s pointless to think about, but it’s hard not to.”
Angie nods. “I know that feeling.” She looks at Guinevere asleep on the floor. The sun has moved, and the room is darker. “I’m glad to have you here, Autumn. Please don’t—”
And then I know that she knows I was in the hospital, because she struggles to find the right thing to say.
“—go anywhere?” she finishes.
“I won’t,” I say. “For a little while, I thought being dead might be better, but that was before the baby.”
Angie keeps staring at her daughter. “You’ll need more than that,” she murmurs.
“What?”
“I—sorry.” She looks back at me. “It’s better to be alive, Autumn. Please don’t forget that again, okay?”
“I won’t,” I say, and then to distract her, I add, “You should tell me your birth story again.”
“I don’t want to scare you,” she says but then launches into the tale.
When Mom picks me up forty minutes later, I know a lot about episiotomies. I wish I didn’t know what one was, to be honest, but now that I do, it seems important to be well informed. I’m going to need to make a trip to the library.
“How was it?” Mom asks as I buckle my seatbelt.
“Good” I say. “It was nice to see her and Guinevere.”
“Were you able to catch up?”
“Sort of. So much has happened. It was almost more than we could talk about.” I pause. “She seems different. Not in a bad way, but it’s like—” I struggle to find the words and am not fully happy with the ones I find. “It’s like she’s confident and resigned at the same time.”
My mother surprises me by nodding. “It sounds like she’s adjusting.”
When the car stops at an intersection, I catch her looking at me.
“Did it make it feel more real?” she asks. “Seeing the baby?”
“A little,” I say. “In an overwhelming way.”
She nods. There’s nothing to say or do to make this situation less overwhelming. I’m surprised then that Mom continues.
“You know, Autumn, if Finny were alive, I would tell you to think about what you wanted more than what he wanted. And I should tell you to do that now too.” She takes a deep breath, and I’m glad we’re pulling into the driveway in case she starts crying.
“Do you not want me to have it?” I ask.
She puts the car in park. “I want you to have this baby more than anything,” she says. “But you must want it, Autumn. You have to want it more than anything. Especially as a single mother.” She takes off her seat belt and turns to me. “Angelina and I will give you all the support in the world, I can’t overstate that. But you still have to want this and want it for yourself. Not for me, not for Angelina or for Finny, but for you.”