Ben:???????????????Do you remember what he was mad about?
Lucy:?????????????No. It was probably something small. Matt was always mad about something.
Ben:???????????????Did you fight?
Lucy:?????????????Not really, no. Matt and I weren’t really ever getting along at that point, so there was just always some low-level hostility. But we weren’t yelling at each other or anything that day.
Anyway, I didn’t do much that day before the wedding. Just hung out, watched some TV, cleaned the house a little. And then we left for the wedding around five. And that’s it. Those are all the memories I have of that night.
Ben:???????????????Colin said that you originally claimed to have a memory of arriving and walking into the wedding, but you later realized it was wrong.
Lucy:?????????????I created a memory around information that other people told me.
Ben:???????????????Has that happened again since?
Lucy:?????????????No. I specifically stopped trying to remember because of that.
Ben:???????????????You stopped?
Lucy:?????????????Yeah. I can’t trust my own memory, apparently.
Ben:???????????????What’s the next thing that you do remember, after leaving for the wedding with Matt?
Lucy:?????????????Walking down the side of the road. That guy in the truck asking me if I was okay.
Ben:???????????????Where were you going? Do you know?
Lucy:?????????????I think I thought I was going to meet Savvy at her car? I remember looking at the guy and thinking, “What’s he talking about, I’m just going to the car with Savvy.”
Ben:???????????????Did you realize you had blood on you?
Lucy:?????????????I thought it was dirt. I kept looking down and wondering why I was so dirty.
Ben:???????????????What was your reaction when they told you it was Savannah’s blood?
Lucy:?????????????I became hysterical. They had to sedate me.
Ben:???????????????Did you know she was dead at that point?
Lucy:?????????????I think they had told me, but it wasn’t sticking. I didn’t believe them.
Ben:???????????????Because of the head injury or …
Lucy:?????????????It didn’t make sense. To me, I’d just been leaving the house with Matt. It felt like five minutes ago, not twelve hours.
Ben:???????????????The police came to question you right away?
Lucy:?????????????It was a few hours. Technically they tried to ask me questions out on the road, but I wasn’t making any sense. I just kept saying, “Where’s Savvy? Where’s Savvy?” Which, I always thought …
Ben:???????????????You always thought?
Lucy:?????????????Well, at that point I wasn’t fully aware of where I was or what I was doing, because of the blow to the head. If I’d killed her, why would I be asking where she was? Wouldn’t I have said something like “I hurt her,” or “I’m sorry”？ Since I wasn’t fully conscious? Something that indicated what I’d done? I don’t know. Maybe that’s just something I tell myself to feel better.
Ben:???????????????To feel better, like to convince yourself you didn’t kill her?
Lucy:?????????????Yep.
Ben:???????????????Because you don’t know for sure?
Lucy:?????????????I can’t know for sure. I don’t remember that night. I know that I loved Savvy and I can’t imagine ever hurting her, but everyone is so convinced that I did it. It’s hard not to be like, well, what if I did snap? What if I had a psychotic break? Do people know when they have a psychotic break?
Ben:???????????????I … don’t know.
Lucy:?????????????It was rhetorical, Ben.
[laughter]
Ben:???????????????How do you explain the scratches on your arm and your skin under Savannah’s fingernails? The bruises on her arm that match the shape of your fingers?
Lucy:?????????????I can’t. I don’t remember.
Ben:???????????????Had the two of you ever gotten into a violent altercation before?
Lucy:?????????????Of course not.
Ben:???????????????But you had been in a violent altercation before. With Ross. Was there anyone else?
Lucy:?????????????Nope, just him. I still maintain that he deserved it.
Ben:???????????????What about Savannah? Do you know if she had ever been in a fight or any kind of altercation?
Lucy:?????????????Not that I know of. Can’t really imagine it, honestly. Savvy was a really sweet, levelheaded person. I mean, you’ve heard it from lots of people on this podcast. Everyone loved her. She never could have hurt anyone.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
LUCY
Ben doesn’t look particularly concerned about me killing him.