I don’t realize I’m crying during all of this until Mabel hands me a paper napkin across the table. I blot my eyes and thank my lucky stars that I didn’t wear mascara today.
“That’s grief, Annie. And it’s okay. Grief—that mean son of a bitch—doesn’t have a timeline or rules. It hits when it wants. Even with me—sometimes I feel all healed up, and then randomly I’ll catch a scent that smells like my husband’s cologne, and I’ll lose it in an aisle at the market. It doesn’t make sense, grief. And I’ve known you through it all, and I’ve never seen you grieve over your parents. Why?”
My lips quiver and I aim my gaze down at my lap. “I didn’t think I was allowed to.”
“But, honey, why would you think that?” Her tender voice rips my heart from my chest, and I feel like I’m bleeding out in the form of tears.
“Because I didn’t know them enough to grieve them. But Noah and Emily and even Madison did. They have specific memories that I don’t. I just have a hole in my heart that I can’t seem to fully fill, and I’m not really sure why it’s there.”
Wait.
Suddenly, like a strike of lightning, I realize that I’ve been chasing the wrong things. I haven’t needed a husband. Or even to find myself. I think this emptiness has been a result of constantly isolating myself from my feelings. I know who I am and what I want out of life—I’ve just been ignoring those needs.
“Don’t your siblings talk about your parents much?”
Again, I shake my head. “No. And asking questions about Mom and Dad has always made everyone shut down. It seemed too painful for them to talk to me about their memories. So I quit trying—I didn’t want to add more grief to their pain. I just stopped acknowledging my own sadness and focused on everyone else’s instead. It’s worked. It made them feel better and in return, it made me feel good.”
“Until it didn’t.”
I sigh and nod. “Until it didn’t. And now I’ve lived so much of my life without sharing who I am with them, that I don’t know how to start. I don’t know how to tell them that this version of me they’ve seen for so long is not necessarily true to me anymore.”
“You say that. Exactly that.”
“They’ll be hurt, Mabel. My family loves me so much that to find out I’ve been lying to them all these years—”
“Exactly, honey. They love you so much. Honesty is a gift, Annie. And if you really love them, too, you’ll be honest with them about who you are. And as for William…” Hearing his name mentioned suddenly in this conversation has me nearly jumping in my seat. “Don’t give up on him.”
“But Mabel…”
“Don’t ‘but Mabel’ me…if you love that boy, don’t give up on him, Annie. He needs someone to fight for him, like you’ve needed someone to fight for you. And I’m not saying it’s going to look conventional, or anything like you’ve always pictured, or even anything like what your parents had…” She smiles and it’s a smile full of memories. “But maybe it’ll be something even better.”
“Or maybe it’ll crash and burn and hurt.”
“Or maybe that.”
I laugh until we both grow somber again. “What would my mom have said?”
“Hmm,” Mabel says, pursing her lips and squinting her eyes. “Charlotte was all about living in the moment. I don’t remember her ever thinking too far in the future about stuff—and sometimes that got her into a lot of trouble.” Mabel smiles fondly, and I suddenly grieve that I haven’t tried to talk to her about my parents sooner. “Your grandma used to come to me complaining about her wild girl all the time—but there was always a twinkle in your grandma’s eyes like she couldn’t help but be proud of her strong-willed daughter. So I don’t know what she would’ve said exactly, but I have a feeling it would have been something along the lines of following your heart or your gut, whatever the hell you want to call it.”
I doubt Mabel knows just how much I’m going to cling to those words.
“While I’m not your mama or your grandma, but someone who’s lived a long time and loved deeper than I could ever describe to you, I’d say that I regret the things I never said way more than the things I have said. If you love him—be honest. With yourself and with him. And then take it from there. Don’t deny yourself anymore, Annie.”