I grinned, the action easing some of the tension thrumming through me. On the drive out here, everything inside me had spun, constricting tighter and tighter. By the time I reached Washington, I’d felt like a spool of fishing line.
My brother studied me for a moment. “Are you okay? I could come out there. And you know you can always come back here.”
“Em—”
“I mean it. You’re our family. We love you more than anything. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”
I let out a slow breath, tracing one of the flowers on the comforter with my finger. “You’re starting your own family. You need the space to do that.”
Emerson and Adrian’s apartment was nice but not exactly spacious. It was crowded with the three of us, no matter how much I tried to stay out of their way. And if you added a baby into that mix, it would be too much.
“Adrian and I talked. There are a few suburbs we could move to—”
“No.” My voice was stronger than I’d heard it in a long time. “You love the city. The energy. The people. The food. You’re not moving to the ‘boring ol’ suburbs’ as you call them because of me.”
Em loved city life in a way that I never had. I’d always been partial to our family’s vacation home a few towns from here. The mountains had always made me feel like I could breathe and had the freedom to be who I truly was.
After my ordeal, everything set off my anxiety. Loud noises, crowded spaces. It didn’t make living in a city easy. I’d worked hard on all my triggers, but that didn’t mean I didn’t long for the peace of the mountains.
Emerson’s expression gentled. “I’m just not sure it’s healthy for you to be back there. There are a million places you could consider living. Illinois has plenty of lake communities—places that are only a couple hours’ drive from us.”
I heard what he didn’t say: Places where they could get to me quickly if I had a meltdown from being on my own.
I pressed my lips together, biting the bottom one as I tried to choose my words carefully. “I want to face it.”
I’d been working hard in therapy for the past five years. Doing every exercise my therapist recommended and slowly increasing my tolerance for difficult things. I’d managed to finish college, get a good job as a nanny, and even take a trip on my own. These mountains had been my favorite place in the world. I wanted to reclaim them.
And the truth was, when I first saw them again through my windshield, I hadn’t felt anxiety. I’d felt wonder.
“That’s very brave of you, but—”
A dark brown hand clamped down on my brother’s shoulder in a squeeze, cutting off Emerson’s words. The gesture was affectionate and a warning all at once.
Adrian’s face filled the screen, then a wide grin spread across it. “How’s our girl?”
I sent him a grateful smile. “Good.”
“Have you explored the town at all yet? I looked it up yesterday, and it’s absolutely adorable.”
My fingers gripped the comforter, twisting. “Not yet. I’m pretty tired from all the driving.”
Or scared.
I’d order pizza and have it delivered to my room when dinner rolled around, and would have my pepper spray in hand when it arrived.
“I’m just going to rest tonight, but I’ll go out to get some breakfast tomorrow.” I’d give myself today, but if I stayed in this room much longer, I knew I’d never leave. Which would mean I’d miss my interview, and Emerson might really have to come and get me.
“I saw an adorable little coffee shop and café online called The Brew. Has all the Alice in Wonderland feels,” Adrian suggested. “It’s right downtown.”
I nodded my head for far too long, probably looking like some deranged bobblehead doll. “I’ll check it out and report back.”
Adrian’s amber eyes glowed with pride. “Try one of the double chocolate muffins for me. They look like heaven.”
My mouth curved in a hint of an authentic smile. “I think I can handle that.”
“What time is your interview tomorrow?” Emerson cut in.
“Ten.” My stomach did a series of somersaults. All I knew about the family was that they had three boys aged six, thirteen, and sixteen and needed help Monday through Friday with an occasional emergency thrown in.
“I don’t know if this is a good idea—”
Adrian cut Emerson off again. “The agency fully vets all their clients. And Hallie is amazing with kids. She was born to do this.”