They ran ahead of us as we rose and followed. Maddie fell into step beside me, getting close. “You know I’m always here if you need to talk, right?”
My throat burned. I’d almost told her so many times. The words swirled on the tip of my tongue. But I couldn’t set them free. Didn’t want to bring her into my mess. Couldn’t risk that telling her would mean telling everyone in this house. The only way to keep a secret was if I was the only one holding it.
I reached out and squeezed her hand. “Thank you.”
Disappointment flickered in her expression, and I felt like the worst of the worst. Maddie had shared the hardest parts of her past with me, and I refused to do the same. I shoved down the self-hatred and released her hand.
“Find a seat anywhere,” Kerry called.
“You can sit next to me, Ms. Barlow,” Drew called, shooting me a wink.
I couldn’t hold in my laughter as Lawson ruffled his son’s hair.
“Dial it back a notch, Casanova,” he muttered.
“Here,” Grae offered, pulling out the chair next to hers.
I was grateful for the offer until I lowered myself to the wooden seat and met fathomless dark blue eyes across the table. Eyes that searched deeper than any others I’d ever encountered. As if they could discover all my secrets without even trying.
I should’ve averted my gaze and put my mask back in place. But I couldn’t. Something in those dark blue depths called to me. A pain that spoke to mine. I found that a part of me wanted to tell Roan Hartley all my secrets. And that made him lethal.
“Thank you so much for dinner,” I said as I donned my jacket.
Kerry pulled me into a warm embrace. “Please come again next week. We’d love to have you.”
Cady danced around me. “Yes, yes, yes! Please, Mama?”
My insides twisted. I wanted to give her this. Cady deserved to have raucous family dinners and to be surrounded by people who loved her. But the idea of exposing myself to Roan’s scrutiny each and every week had me on edge.
“Let me check my work schedule. Hopefully, we can make it.”
Lawson gave me a warm smile. “I know it’ll make Charlie happy.”
“Can we have a sleepover, Dad?” he asked.
Lawson’s lips twitched. “It’s a school night, buddy.”
“We’ll go to sleep early,” Charlie promised.
Lawson chuckled. “Likely story.”
His oldest son slunk by, heading for the door to the basement. Lawson clapped Luke on the shoulder. “Say goodbye to Ms. Barlow and Cady. They’re leaving.”
Luke looked at me briefly, and I didn’t miss the shadows in his eyes. “Bye.”
“So verbose,” Lawson muttered with a shake of his head.
Luke just grunted and disappeared into the basement.
I sent Lawson a reassuring smile. “I don’t think the teenage years are easy on any parent.”
“I’ve got one who’s going to be breaking hearts left and right and another who won’t say more than two words to me.”
I winced. “That’s quite the combo.”
Nathan came up and thumped his son on the back. “This might be payback for what you and your siblings put us through.”
“We were angels,” Nash called from the living room.
Nathan snorted and then grinned at me. “If we haven’t scared you off, please come again next week.”
“I’m made of stronger stuff than letting Hartley chaos run me off.”
He laughed. “I knew I liked you.”
There was a warmth to Nathan that made my chest ache. I couldn’t imagine what it must have been like growing up with him as a dad instead of one who took off when I was less than a month old.
Cady waved to him. “See you next week.”
Nathan smiled at her. “I’m counting on it. I want a rematch in Go Fish.”
Cady beamed. “You might want to practice.”
Kerry choked on a laugh. “I’ll try to get him up to snuff, Cady.”
I hated that I looked for him as we left. Roan had disappeared without a word after dinner as if he’d hit his threshold for people time. Now, he was nowhere to be found.
Cady chattered on and on about the Hartleys as we walked to my station wagon. I loaded her into the back seat and climbed behind the wheel. I turned the key in the ignition, and the engine sputtered. I winced and tried again. Still nothing.
My palms started to sweat. This wasn’t happening. Not here. Not now.
I closed my eyes and tried again. Only sputtering.