I look him in the eye, and just like I thought, I’m picturing what it felt like to scream Roman’s name through a ratty gag. “It’s my fault I didn’t stay with Damien. But it’s your fault I was there to begin with. You put me in danger. Not me.”
The muscles in his jaw feather. “He needs to pay for what he did.”
Too many people fall under the word he. Vargas, Damien, Rico, the asshole who took me. Roman will go on a warpath with no end in sight, and I don’t plan on being a casualty of it.
“And so will you.”
His brows dip. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, if you go after him, I’m gone. And I will spend the rest of my life making sure you never get me back. You can tie me up, but you’ll never have me. I’ll never be yours.”
“This is the underground world, Isabella. Each person you meet is more fucked up than the last.”
I flinch. Hearing him say it makes those what-ifs bubble back up like molten lava. “Do you honestly think I don’t know that? When he dragged me out of the bathroom, I knew they could pass me around to every single one of his men, and there would be nothing I could do about it. I knew they could torture me the same way you tortured Marcus and Greg. And I was terrified.”
His lips tighten as he swallows roughly. “I wouldn’t have let that happen.”
This again? “You keep saying that. Stop being so delusional.” I flail my bloody hands and point a finger at him. “You can’t do shit. Do you remember what you told me last night?” I don’t wait for him to answer. “That no one would lay a hand on me because you’ll keep me safe. Look at me, Roman. Does it look like nothing happened? Do I look okay to you? No, absolutely fucking not, Roman.”
“I thought you’d run.”
I stiffen. “Excuse me?” I expected him to give me a grocery list of excuses, or a thousand and one different ways about how sorry he is or how he thinks he’ll make it up to me. Not this.
His throat bobs. “I didn’t want to leave you in the motel because I thought you’d run.”
I stare at his profile for a long moment. The only sound coming from the harsh rise and fall of our breaths. “So, you would rather put me in danger and risk losing me for good?” I can’t be bothered screaming anymore.
He turns to me, and his expression is a twisted mix of guilt and anguish. It’s wrong, but I want to kiss it away and make it so that only one of us has to feel the hurt. But I’m not going to be that for him right now.
“I didn’t think they were a real threat.” He twists his hands, rubbing his fingers and shaking his leg. “The worst thing they did in prison was try to trip me up.”
I drop my head against the backrest and sigh. I believe that he truly thought they would be harmless. But how can I be with someone who attracts danger but can’t see it when it looks at him right in the face. “Well, you thought wrong, Roman.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“How many times do you have to hurt me before you lose the right to another name? You disappeared on me for three years, and so much has gone wrong since you’ve come back.”
He swallows. “No more matches, Bella. No more fights.” It’s not just a promise; he’s pleading with me. “I’ll say and do anything you want.”
I huff, because it sounds ridiculous to my own ears when I say, “I couldn’t care less about the fighting. As unhealthy as it is, it’s your release. What I care about is how I’m the one facing the consequences of your actions.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Bella.”
I inhale sharply, staring straight ahead at the door to our room. “I know you didn’t want to cause me pain. But that doesn’t mean you wanted to help me. Or keep me sane.”
“Of course, I wanted to help you!” Roman taps his finger on the steering wheel. I can hear the cogs turning in his head. “You have to understand, unless I take him out, Vargas will keep coming. Look at what he did to you. That asshole can’t live, knowing that he made you bleed. He needs to die, Bella. They all do.”
I give up.
“Do whatever you want, Roman. You always do.”
He’s like a dog with a bone. If he smells his chance for vengeance, he’ll chase it down whatever road it leads. Even if it ends up killing him.
And me.
If I have learned how to care for myself, Roman can learn how to save himself.
From my periphery, I see him turn his entire body toward me. “No. No, don’t say that. That’s not fair. Everything I’ve done was for you. Everything I do is for you. You are the only one I think about. Am I impulsive? Yes. But I’m trying. I’m working on it. I swear. I’m doing this for us.”