Nothing.
Until at last, my frustration rising, I asked, “Do you want to look at me when I’m trying to save your life?”
At that, he let out a little half-laugh—the sound hurt, because it so resembled the one he’d make as a teenager, responding to some joke or ribbing by another street kid.
“Do I want to look at you? Do I want to?”
At last, he turned his head. “No, Vi. I don’t. Why would I want to look at you and see what you’ve done to yourself because I wasn’t there to protect you?”
My jaw shut tight. The pain came first. Then the anger.
“Because you thought I was dead for sixteen gods-damned years.”
He scoffed again, this one so violent it sent spittle flying across the bedspread, and I jerked to my feet.
“What about you? I’m not here refusing to look at you, even though every time I do, all I see is the decaying corpse of a person that you’ve become.”
“See,” he spat. “You don’t see anything.”
“I see far too fucking much,” I shot back. “I see more than eyes ever gave me. And right now, I fucking hate it. I hate that I have to see everything that Tarkan rotted inside you. Everything that you rotted inside yourself.”
I could be cruel when I was hurt or angry. The Sightmother had reminded me of this many times. Such emotions were not welcome in the Salt Keep, and if they managed to worm their way in, they certainly should never be bowed to.
Fuck it. In this moment, I was too upset to care.
“How dare you judge me,” I snarled. “I’m not the one killing myself over some Weaver-damned Pythoraseed. I’m ashamed of you.”
Naro’s presence was explosively loud, every emotion bold. The hurt was so piercing it almost made me stagger backwards. He lurched halfway upright in his bed, as if to lunge at me, but the shine in his eyes betrayed the hint of tears.
“I served my king,” he ground out. “I—I gave everything for him because he gave me everything. I had nothing. Do you fucking understand? I had nothing. He saved me. Not you. Not your fucking cult. Him. There’s fucking honor in that, you spoiled little girl. Honor.”
I was so angry that my blood buzzed in my ears. So angry that I couldn’t even think. I was grateful for it, because if I had been better at thinking, I might’ve noticed the echo in those words—I gave everything for him because he gave me everything.
How many times had I thought those words about the Arachessen? How many times had I been told them, about Acaeja?
“Right now, I’m the one saving you,” I spat. “Me.”
I straightened my back. Drew in a deep breath. Let it out slowly.
Calm yourself. Center yourself. You are just one small piece of a great tapestry.
The mantra didn’t help.
Naro glared at me. Then his gaze turned back to the window, his knuckles white against the bedsheets.
I swallowed a pang of regret for my harsh words.
My voice was calmer when I said, “I need to leave tonight. You will stay. Healers are coming to treat you and—”
“Vampire healers?”
My jaw tightened against the urge to snap back, Any kind of healers who will take you and you’ll feel damned lucky for them.
Weaver, a few days with Naro and suddenly even my language was back to my old street rat days.
“They are knowledgeable about recovery from drugs,” I said evenly. “They may be able to help you. So let them.”
Naro didn’t say anything. Didn’t look at me.
Fine.
I went to the door. Though my back was to him, his presence was still so unsettled, a ball of anger and hurt. Despite the anger and hurt of my own, it made my chest ache.
I turned back one last time.
“Naro.”
His eyes slipped to me.
I love you. I wanted to say it. I should. Even if my petty spite clawed the words back. We used to say them to each other all the time as children, casual affection, when our love for each other was the only constant in a life of uncertainty.
Instead, I said, “Please. Let them help you.”
I love you.
His face softened. His presence, too. And after a few seconds, he nodded.
“I will,” he said.
I love you, too.
I’d take that.
29
We rode out that night. Once again, the process repeated—Atrius left a force in Vasai to hold things down, gathered his increasingly smaller army, and we left for Karisine.
It would be a significant journey, traveling through the deserted rocky plains of northern Vasai until we approached the Karisine border. There, we’d move to the coast and wait for word of Atrius’s cousin and her army.