“Mackenzie, I . . .” I run my fingers through my hair anxiously. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right, okay? I never wanted to hurt you, you have to believe me on that. It’s just I . . .” I huff out a breath, struggling for the words. “I’ve never cared about someone like I care about you.”
She blinks in surprise, whatever angry thing that had been on the tip of her tongue falling away. “What?”
“I don’t know when it happened, and I know we wanted to avoid it, but somewhere in the middle of all this fake mate nonsense, I started to have real feelings for you. And that terrified me. Not only because your career was suddenly put in jeopardy, but because I knew that one day you would figure out that you deserved a hell of a lot better than me.”
“Better than you,” she parrots slowly.
I nod, looking down at my feet. “I’m older than you, and I’m not very fun, and I’m learning that I’m entirely too possessive, and . . . Look at you.” I gesture to all of her. “You’re funny, and bright, and everyone loves you. I mean, they call me the damned Boogeyman of Denver General, for fuck’s sake.”
“Noah—” she starts, but I can’t seem to stop talking now.
“The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you, but I knew you would dive in headfirst to fight this thing, and I couldn’t risk you throwing everything away. Not for me. Because you might not regret it today, or tomorrow, but one day . . . you’d resent me for it. And I would deserve it. It felt like that future would be a lot more painful for you than ending things here. I thought . . .” I breathe in deep, blowing it out as I finally lift my head to meet her eyes. “I thought it would be easier for you to just forget me before I had the chance to hurt you even more.”
She doesn’t say anything for a long time, the seconds ticking by as we both just stare at each other. I can’t fathom what she might have to say to all that, but I’m preparing myself for the worst.
She shakes her head. “You’re right.”
I feel defeat weighing down on my shoulders. “I know,” I say dejectedly. “I understand if you—”
“I would have dived in headfirst to fight this,” she interrupts, and I forget what I was about to say. “Not just for me, but for you too.”
I feel stunned all over again. “What?”
“Noah,” she sighs, pinching the bridge of her nose. “You’re not as bad as you want people to believe. You’re a good doctor, and a good person, and you make me laugh . . . even if you don’t mean to. You’re not a boogeyman of anything. You’re just a big stupid genius with good intentions and bad execution.”
“I am?”
“Yeah,” she says wearily. “Yeah, that’s what I’m starting to realize.”
“I really thought I was doing the best thing for you,” I offer feebly.
She nods. “But you understand why it wasn’t now. Right?”
“Yes,” I answer softly. “I think I do.”
“You said you cared about me,” she says with an unreadable expression.
I suck in a breath. “I do.”
“Why?”
“Because . . .” I falter, not because I don’t know the answer, but because I am having trouble finding the right words. “Because when I’m with you . . . I don’t feel like I’m just going through the motions in life. When I’m with you . . . I feel like I’m actually living.”
Her lip trembles, but that’s the only thing she gives me before she clears her throat. She nods her head slowly, and then she takes me completely by surprise when her lips curl ever so slightly. “That was dangerously close to poetry, Noah Taylor.”
I perk up, feeling hope spark in my chest. It’s an unfamiliar feeling. “It was pretty terrible.”
She taps her foot idly, still studying me. “You really did hurt me.”
“I know,” I tell her, feeling that pang of guilt tear through me. “I’m so sorry, Mackenzie.”
She’s not smiling anymore, her nose wrinkled in thought and her eyes moving over my face. I count ten seconds, and then twenty more—each one agonizing as I wait for her to either give me another chance or walk out of my life for good. I know for certain which option I deserve, in any case.
“Yeah, well,” she says finally, huffing out a breath and pressing her fists to her hips. “You’re definitely going to make it up to me.”