Atmosphere(55)

That’s how Joan felt now.

How did people do this? How did they go through every single day with this kind of excitement inside them? How how how how how. Poor Donna. Having to hide this for so long. It was the single greatest feeling Joan had ever felt.

The elevator doors opened and Joan was relieved to see that the car was empty. When the doors closed, Joan hoped desperately that Vanessa would rush toward her. Instead, Vanessa reached her hand out and grabbed Joan’s softly, as if they had held hands thousands of times before. It was so casual in its affection that for a sweet, soft moment, Joan felt light-headed.

But then the elevator stopped on the mezzanine level and Vanessa let go of her hand just as easily as she’d grabbed it. A woman in a Chanel suit got into the elevator.

“Oh, my,” the woman said as the doors closed. “I meant to go to the lobby.”

Vanessa smiled kindly at her, but they were stuck now. Certainly this woman could sense the tension. Couldn’t she feel the way the space shifted as she intruded into this world of theirs?

The elevator’s bell dinged and Vanessa calmly led the way down the hall, stopping in front of room 408. Vanessa opened the door with her key, and they walked across the threshold.

Joan loved the sound of the thick door clasping shut, all of its locks falling heavily into place. Had anything sounded better?

“Come here,” Vanessa said.

Joan rushed to her. Vanessa put her arms around Joan and the two of them fell onto the bed.

Vanessa put her hands on the top button of Joan’s shirt.

“Is this okay?”

“Yes.”

Take off all my clothes, Joan thought. What had felt so necessary her entire life—to cover up—felt so restrictive now. She wanted everything gone. Her clothes, Vanessa’s.

Joan lay back on the bed as Vanessa took off her own shirt and then lay on top of her, Vanessa’s necklace hitting Joan’s chest. Joan kicked off her shoes, unbuttoned her pants.

To touch Vanessa’s bare skin with her own seemed vital, crucial. She’d never wanted anything more.

Vanessa took off Joan’s bra and the cold edge of the air hit Joan’s chest and the warmth of Vanessa’s hand sent Joan into a shudder. Joan closed her eyes. She could not allow herself to question any of this, could not let the part of her brain in charge of judgment light up. There could be no embarrassment or shyness or hesitation. Not if she was going to get what she wanted. Not now.

She had to exist only in the base of her brain, the heavy putty of her heart. And so she put everything away except Yes, and I want, and More, please.

She instead focused on the buzz in her chest, the warmth and lightness of her lower belly.

If Joan had listened to what was happening outside that room, she would have heard people walking by in the hallway and the sounds of the waves outside the window. But all she could hear was the beat of her own pulse and the sound coming out of the base of Vanessa’s throat. Then, soon, all she could hear was her own voice saying, over and over again, “Oh.”

What ran through Joan made her call out, in a tone she did not recognize. And a thick peace overtook her.

Self-consciousness dared to creep up, but Joan would not let it. Not now. Not yet. Don’t take this from me.

Did she fumble? Was she unsure of how to move and what to do? Yes, yes, of course. She did not care. For the first time in Joan’s life, she knew how it felt to give in to someone and let go.


“I want to go out to dinner with you,” Vanessa said, kissing Joan’s neck as they lay together under the sheets.

“Can we do that?”

“Can we eat dinner?”

“In public? I’m just not sure how all of this works. With, you know . . .”

“Being with a woman in this world?”

“Being with anyone in this world. But yes.”

“Do you want to get dinner with me?” Vanessa asked.

“I want to do everything with you. I want to be so close to you that I’m worried I’m being creepy about it.”

Vanessa threw her head back and laughed.

“So then let’s decide where to have a romantic dinner.”

“What if someone sees us?”

“They will see two women having dinner and think nothing of it. We’re in a busy hotel, in a city where no one knows us. As long as I don’t lean over and kiss you, no one’s going to notice.”

“Okay,” Joan said, nodding.

“Back home, we have to be careful. But there will also be times when there’s nothing to worry about. No one will look twice at us here if we don’t give them a reason to. I’m not going to pretend this is always easy, but this weekend, right now, it can be.”

“Okay,” Joan said, smiling. “I like easy.”

Vanessa laughed as she got up and started unpacking.

“Which side do you want?” she asked.

Joan pointed to the right. “Uh, this one.”

Vanessa nodded. “Good, that way I’ll be by the door.”

They each unpacked their things, one by one. Joan placed her T-shirts and jeans in one drawer. She hung her dress in the closet. And then she reached into the bottom of her suitcase. She’d bought a lavender bra-and-underwear set yesterday at the lingerie store. That’s what the saleswoman at the store had said to do, to match her bra with her underwear if someone was going to see it. As Joan reached in to get them, she dropped them on the floor. She bent down to grab them and dropped them again.