Between Tides Thunder(116)

A vise clamps around my throat, and then I’m blinking rapidly. “I’ll just … I’ll get ready for bed,” I mumble, my voice thick. I duck into the bathroom before he sees my tears.

Minutes later, I emerge in my indecently short nightgown, but Zev’s already extinguished the lanterns. Moonlight filters through the window, casting a faint glow over the room. On the sofa, two long legs dangle over the armrest, crossed neatly at the ankles.

Disappointment wells in my chest. I shove it down and settle beneath the covers. Alone.

I try to sleep—eyes clenched shut, counting until I lose count, then starting over. Still, my ears perk, desperate to catch even a faint sigh, the shifting of pillows. A whispered declaration of love. Something.

But there’s nothing. I may as well have been alone.

Eventually, my counting pays off. My eyelids drift shut naturally, not forcefully, sleep just beginning to embrace me.

Then, I hear it.

The sharp patter of rain on glass. The sudden, rattling boom of thunder. Our room is lit aglow for a heartbeat.

Blood fills my mouth—I bit my tongue.

Deep steadying breaths. You can do this, Mayah.

My panicked, racing heart disagrees.

Mama’s blurry face flashes behind my eyelids. It’s the night the storm took her. My breath catches on a sob I don’t release.

Another loud crack of thunder shakes the room.

My lips part, Zev’s name on my tongue—but my words turn to ice.

My wrist was cramping. I needed you to finish quickly.

His cruel words crash into my mind from the last time I sought—he offered—his comfort. So, I don’t say anything, just burrow deeper beneath the blankets as if that might protect me.

Maybe I’ll faint soon, and he’ll think I’ve fallen asleep.

I don’t.

I’m a pathetic, whimpering mess, teeth piercing my lower lip to cage in the sounds of terror.

My thoughts loop in useless, chaotic whirls—if I had just told him sooner, if I had pushed Daak away harder, if I had followed my heart instead of my plan.

The thunder cracks.

I curl tighter beneath the blanket, trying to shove the guilt down, but it slithers up my throat like suffocating smoke.

Zev’s anguished face.

Daak’s broken body.

My father’s betrayal.

My own.

Lightning flashes, illuminating my trembling hands beneath the blanket. I suck in a mouthful of stagnant air, but it’s not enough. Father’s voice booms in my ears.

You’re pathetic, a sniveling embar—

The mattress dips beside me. Cool air invades my lungs as the covers are gently peeled off my head.

Zev slides into the bed, close, but not touching me. His hand wavers as if he wants to, but he keeps it fisted at his side.

Then the thunder cracks again, and his restraint shatters.

He reaches for me.

I hesitate. I’m not sure I want his comfort if the price is his cruelty.

He stills, hand flexing in the air between us.

Another boom of thunder decides for me.

I scramble across the mattress, sinking against his bare chest, boneless. I let him stroke my hair, rub soothing circles into my back, tangle his legs with mine. My face is wet, silent sobs racking my body, but it’s not because of the storm.

It’s because of him.

Because I love him.

Tides damn me, I love this man.

I will take his cruelty, his disdain. I’ll bathe in his contempt until I’m covered in every drop of his wrath. I’ll embrace his rage, wrap it around myself like a cloak, until it’s the only thing that warms me. I’ll swallow his resentment, bite after seething bite, until it’s the only thing that fuels me. I’ll take anything he gives me, as long as I can be his again.

A gentle finger tilts my face, tears wiped away by the rough pad of his thumb.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, his eyes anguished in the dark. “For how I treated you last time.” His throat bobs. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“I’m sorry, too,” I rasp. “For everything. Zev, I—I miss you so much. I miss the way you teased me. Cared for me. Held me. I miss the light in your eyes when you saw me from across a room. Tides, your smile that was just for me.” I’m sobbing now, hands clutching his shoulders. “This was never supposed to happen. I was to marry your brother. I would’ve despised him. Been eager to kill him. I would’ve found the tunnels, smuggled in the poison, killed everyone. I wouldn’t have been left with this gaping hollow inside me where you live now, Zev. You made a home for yourself in my heart, and then I—Tides, fuck.” A deep, shuddering breath. Then, another. “I’m aching for you, Zev.” My voice is a shattered whisper. “Just like you wanted me to be. I need you so bad, I’m drowning.”

Zev doesn’t say a word. Just keeps staring at me, his expression unreadable, his thumb absently tracing a circle on my shoulder.

“Why were you with him, then?” he finally asks. His voice has gone cold. His hand stills.

Fuck.

“He didn’t know my feelings had changed. I tried to stop him, avoid … touching him, but I-I didn’t try hard enough. I couldn’t admit to myself how I felt about you then, let alone to someone else. What you saw—that was my goodbye to him. He just didn’t know it. I swear by the Tides, I was going to tell you everything when you returned.”